Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Barack Hood or Robbin' Obama?

Obama is planning to rob from the rich and give to the poor. Is he a hero or a villain?

I guess we'll find out over the next four years.

From what I have seen, he's planning on implementing policies that penalize hard work and responsibility. For example, if everyone "regardless of their health status or history" has access to health insurance with so-called "fair and stable premiums," that means those of us who exercise regularly, seek out preventative care, avoid risky behavior, and abstain from smoking or drinking will pay higher premiums to pay for the extremely expensive healthcare of those who...don't. Either that or we'll pay higher taxes so the government can pay those premiums. So far, not very heroic.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Over-Protective Mothers

I have met a lot of fat, little boys (we'll call them fattle boys) with over-protective mothers.

"Oh, Tommy, stay indoors. You'll catch a cold."

"Oh, Julian, football is too dangerous."

"No BB guns. You'll shoot your eye out."

"I don't want you rough-housing with those boys."

Anything healthy and active that little boys enjoy doing seems like a bad idea to protective mothers. If wrestling, contact sports, snowball fights, BB guns, exploring, playing outside in the rain, and every other activity is banned, the boy turns into a sedentery wuss! And he's all set up to get eaten alive by his peers as soon as he's out of mommy's sight.

What are you worried about, overprotective mothers? A broken bone? A cold? Then let me pose the question: Which is more devastating: broken bones and colds (which are actually not caused by being exposed to the cold) or cardiovascular disease and psychiatric problems?

So, for Heaven's sake, let your boys go outside and rough house!

Sunday, October 19, 2008

If I Was President...

I have grown frustrated with both presidential candidates. In an effort to please voters, they promise to implement programs and policies that require more funds while simultaneously promising to lower taxes. How does that work? And they act as if government is the solution to every problem within our nation. Healthcare is too expensive so the government should foot the bill? Despite the 10.3 trillion dollar deficit? Does that seem counterproductive to anyone else? And that's just one example of many.

So it got me thinking... What would I do if I was in charge? What would I do if I was president (and had clones of me taking up all the seats in congress and the supreme court)?

1. Proportional income tax and no other federal taxes. Simple and fair. Everyone pays the same determined percentage of their income. The argument against a flat rate tax is that the poorer pay a higher percentage of their income in consumption taxes. So do away with consumption taxes and raise the income tax. Fewer loopholes for corruption and dishonest tricks. The rich pay more because they have more assets for the government to protect. Citizens are not penalized for being successful (especially when they reach that $250,000 mark).

2. Fill Wyoming with windmills and solar panels. We ought to make the entire state (except for Yellowstone and the Grand Tetons) into one big, environmentally friendly powerplant and wire it to the rest of the nation to supplement energy needs and cut down on the use of fossil fuels. What else is that ugly state good for?

3. Use a donation based fund for welfare instead of taxes. Those unable to take care of themselves and their families would be more grateful and feel less entitled to the aid they received if they knew it was given freely. And more successful citizens would be less resentful toward the beneficiaries of welfare if they were able to give their hard-earned wages away freely instead of having them taken away.

4. Use welfare funds to pay for food, clothing, and shelter. I believe that as human beings it is our duty to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, and provide shelter for the homeless. It is NOT our duty to provide cable TV, beer, cigarettes, rims, and other luxuries on which a welfare check is often spent. Under my plan, people wouldn't have to qualify for welfare. They would simply go live in the shelter, eat the cheap (but healthy) food, and wear the second-hand clothing.

5. Divert funds from obscure government programs to education and research. There are too many government programs that benefit only a small minority. Have you seen the infomercial with the guy in the dollar suit running around talking about how to get money out of the government? The solution, once again, is to simplify. Let's scrap any program that only benefits a small minority. Instead, use that money to fund research. For example, the price of medication is so high because drug companies have to put so much into developing a drug that when they finally develop one that can be marketed they have to charge outrageous prices in order to turn a profit. If the government were to do the research, the drug companies would simply manufacture the drug instead of owning the patent. Drugs would be cheaper and healthcare costs would go down for everyone. Government employees would be doing research instead of acting as beaurocrats. With all of the assistance programs the government has to pay for medications (medicare, medicaid, etc), they might as well be developing the drugs on their own. That's just one example.

6. Build interstate high-speed trains. Let's stop using federal funds to maintain roads. Instead, we'll connect major cities with a bullet-train transit system. We'll build two routes--one for passengers and one for commercial transportation. It would decrease the demand for fossil fuels, decrease the number of deaths on highways, decrease the number of used cars in junkyards, and decrease the amount of time and money spent getting from Pocatello, Idaho to Marshall, Missouri. States and communities could then decide whether to build their own railroad systems or keep maintaining old-fashioned asphalt.

7. Build the fence already. I don't see a need for taking a punitive approach to illegal immigration. I do, however, see a need to maintain the sovereignty of our nation and the rule of law. There is a need to control our borders and place limits on the number of immigrants. And so there must be a law. And what good is a law if it is not enforced? So build the fence already! With barbed wire, a moat, mean dogs, and lookouts armed with tasers!

8. Require health insurance companies to offer a standard package. The problem with health insurance is that you never know what you're going to get. The basic, standard package would provide coverage for things like emergency surgeries, diabetes medication, and preventive care. This would not eliminate competition between companies who would have a great deal of freedom in offering different prices, packages, and upgrades.

9. Stop associating with corrupt regimes and keep our noses out of other nations' business. The United States has taken advantage of shady relationships in the middle-East. Now we're paying the price. And there's no winning when it comes to foreign policy. If we don't intervene, the international community accuses us of not caring about humanity. If we do intervene they call us imperialists and accuse us of trying to play "the world's police." "Why can't you cooperate with the U.N.?" they wonder. Has the U.N. ever accomplished anything? Well, I think it's time to say, "Have it your way," and let the rest of the world struggle. If the U.N. wants to go in to Darfur or something, we'll send our share of troops, but no more than the next country. And if they pussy foot around like they always do and start getting our boys killed, then we're out of there.

10. I have more ideas, but only four or five people will read this and I've spent enough time on it already.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Ode to the Uber Nerd

Now, I love video games, but this is ridiculous. The uber lord of dweebs, also known by his moniker, Prepared, owns 36 World of Warcraft accounts, which he plays simultaneously on 11 computers. With his personal army he is able to single-handedly carry out raids that would normally require the cooperation of several lesser nerds. The subscription alone costs over $5000 a year. A loser in some circles, a legend in others, this man deserves an ode. And so I give you:

Ode to the Uber Nerd

Famed was this Prepared.
Far flew the boast of him.
Many a treasure fetched from far was freighted with him.
No room have I known so nobly dight,
With computers of war and monitors of battle.
With keyboards and mouses.
On his bosom lay a heaped horde of potato chips and twinkies,
His sustenance aptly to supply.
Since erst he lay friendless, a foundling,
Fate repaid him.
For he waxed under welkin,
His pimples glistening 'neath the screen's glow,
'Til his paladins, warriors, and hunters,
He did lead to might victory.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Spruce Grouse

I was watching Wild America (remember Marty Stouffer?) and learned about the mating ritual of the spruce grouse. The male spruce grouse has to work ridiculously hard for a little ornithological lovin'.

First, he has to show off his fluttering skills. He flies up into a tree (not an easy task for those fat birds) and then beats his wings noisily and flutters to the ground. He does this over and over again for several days, despite the danger of attracting the attention of predators. The female just sits there judging. Hmm... Which male is the sexiest flutterer?

Finally, she scorns the less desirable flutterers and joins her champion on the forest floor. But he's not done yet. No siree. He's been working his tail feathers off for several days flying up and down from that tree and he's exhausted. But now it's time to dance. So the female sits there eating popcorn while the male dances for her for two or three days! After this week long ritual (and after he's probably too tired to enjoy it) she finally accepts him and they mate.

I was horrified. The injustice! What does she have to make him work so hard for? What if human women were like that? Then it hit me. Some of them are.

First you have to impress them with good looks, personality, brains, and (most importantly) lucrative employment. Then you have to buy them jewelry, give them flowers, make excessive and exaggerated complements, and give in to all their demands. Well, to all you human spruce grouses out there, the moral of the story came at the end of the show.

When it's all over, the male spruce grouse chases the female out of his territory and won't have anything to do with her.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Wearing Your IQ


People say that wearing glasses makes you look smart. I think wearing glasses makes you look like you don't know about contact lenses. Here are some other things you can wear, and the effect they have on your apparent IQ when I look at you.


- 50 IQ points

More if it has a BBQ stain.



















+ 20 IQ points

Unless you're saying, "This way to your seat, sir."

Or, "Can I help you find something in particular?"









+ 40 IQ points

I know I look smarter with mine on...until you see the "STUDENT" name tag.
















- 30 IQ points


But who cares?


(Just kidding.)









- 45 IQ points

Who thought this would be a good idea?


And who saw this being done and thought, "Hey! That's a good idea!"






Maybe we shouldn't open this can of worms.



















- 30 IQ points


If you're still wearing a moustache, your brain isn't trying anymore.













- 20 IQ points

Sorry, but I've met a lot of stupid cowboys.


Too many years in Kansas.


+10 IQ points if you're saying something like:
"My mistake. Four coffins." or
"Are you gonna pull those pistols or whistle dixie?"

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Social Studies

If anyone ever asks you, "Why do we have to take social studies (or geography) in school?" you can show them this:


Of course, if they are asking that question you might have to explain the relevance of this screen shot to them in very simple terms.