Backyard

If I was a millionaire, I'd buy about 100 acres of forested land and build a SWEET backyard! The backyard visible from our beautiful house would be classy and traditional. But hidden behind the trees... Here's what you'd find:

1. Swiss Family Robinson Treehouse. It would have at least 3 different sections with a tower that protruded from the forest canopy and had a view of the entire 100 acres. It would also have a zip line. The walls would have loop holes so we could defend the treehouse in paintball battles.

2. Go-Kart Track. I'd have at least 4 go-karts that we could race around the track. It would be an off-road track, with natural obstacles, about a quarter mile long, that wound through the forest. Spectators could make themselves comfortable in the treehouse with lawn chairs and an ice chest. I wish I could figure out a way to fire red turtle shells at each other. I'm a gonna win!

3. Basketball Court. It would be a pretty standard outdoor court for the most part. Concrete floor, painted lines, and a chain link fence so we don't have to chase the ball everywhere. But the backboards would be nice, glass backboards with break-away rims that you can crank up and down to the preferred height. (I'm too old to dunk on 10-foot rims anymore.) I'd also have stadium lighting so we could play as late as we wanted.

4. Life-Size Chess Board. Maybe I'd put it under the treehouse so we could get a good view of the board from above.

5. Paintball Battlefield. Plywood buildings would form an urban setting while trenches, bunkers, and the forest would provide variety. I'd make a teepee out of paintball netting that we could set up where ever we wanted. Spectators could sit right in the middle of the battle sipping on ice cold lemonade without fear of being hit by paintballs. The treehouse could be defended. Assaults could be launched from speeding go-karts. I'm getting goosebumps.

6. Soccer/Football Field. Away from the mayhem of the paintball field, I'd have a pristine grass field with soccer goals. We might put up a short fence with a backstop behind the goals to keep from having to chase the ball all the time. Like the basketball court, it would have stadium lighting so we could play after dark. In fact, we might put it right next to the basketball court to form a sports complex.

7. Shooting Range. I'd just clear an alley in the trees about 200 yards long. Then I'd put up targets depending on whether we were shooting rifles, pistols, shotguns, or bows.

8. Swimming Pool. The swimming pool can actually be placed in the traditional backyard behind the house. It will have a deep end with a diving board but, more importantly, it will have a shallow end with basketball goals on each side. About 4 feet deep all the way across. We'll paint three-point lines on the floor of the pool. We'll keep an ice chest handy for injuries. No Lifeguard on Duty.

9. Bonfire Pit. Why not?

10. Mud Field. Snow football is great when the stars align to give me a snowy field and enough players for a game. But with a hose and a plow, I can simulate the snowy field. Year-round snow football! You can keep a change of clothes in the mud room behind the house.

Okay, that's enough for now. But the wheels are still turning. Ideas?

Merck's "Essay on Flatulence"

Today I was reviewing gastrointestinal disorders in the Merck Manual like a good, little PA student. I came across a little gem that I couldn't resist sharing with all of you. It's called:

Essay on Flatulence

Flatulence, which can cause great psychosocial distress, is unofficially described according to its salient characteristics: [1] the "slider" [crowded elevator type], which is released slowly and noiselessly, sometimes with devastating effect; [2] the open sphincter, or "pooh" type, which is said to be of higher temperature and more aromatic; [3] the staccato or drumbeat type, pleasantly passed in privacy; and [4] the "bark" type [described in a personal communication] is characterized by a sharp exclamatory eruption that effectively interrupts [and often concludes] conversation. Aromaticity is not a prominent feature. Rarely, this usually distressing symptom has been turned to advantage, as with a Frenchman referred to as "Le Petomane," who became affluent as an effluent performer who played tunes with the gas from his rectum on the Moulin Rouge stage.

-The Merck Manual of Diagnosis and Therapy, 18th ed. Mark H. Beers, MD, Robert S. Porter, MD, eds. Whitehouse Station, NJ: Merck Research Labs, 2006, sidebar 1, p 81.

Had I been consulted by the editors, I may have added the "squeaker" and the "shart."

Bauer is Back!

After a disappointing Season 6, stupid Audrey Raines is where she belongs (on some lame, girly show that oozes so much estrogen your TV will grow breasts) and Jack is back in business. The Jack Bauer Hour of Power has returned! This will undoubtedly renew the 8-year old question: Could Jack Bauer beat up Chuck Norris?

This question belongs in a family of similar nerdy questions, none of which could I resist weighing in on.

1. Who would win in a fight: Jack Bauer or Chuck Norris?

My answer: Are you kidding me? Didn't you know that Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas to bed? Run, Chuck, run! The only reason you're still concious is because Jack doesn't feel like carrying you.

Nerds' answer: "Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.' Why? Because he's a pussy." --Socrates (I don't know why they attributed this "quote" to Socrates.)

2. Who would win in a fight: Captain Kirk or Captain Picard?

My answer: Did you say fight or talking contest? I think you said fight. 'Cuz if you said talking contest Picard would win hands down. That's all he does. Now if you want the job done, call up James T. Kirk. Captain Picard would start negotiating and before he got two words out Captain Kirk would pummel him with that sweet two-fisted strike to the gut.

Nerds' answer: Three words...flying leg kick.

3. Who would win in a fight: Marvel characters or DC characters?

My answer: Who gives a #*$@?

Nerds' answer: Marvel has led the way as of late in media outside of comics. That may be about to change though. We very well could be on the edge of a new frontier. (Exciting, hah?)

4. Who would win in a fight: the Alien or the Predator?

My answer: I don't think I made it to the end of that lame movie to find out.

Nerds' answer: Tie. As the Predators retreat into space, a chestburster erupts from the dead Predator. It appears to be an Alien/Predator hybrid with the characteristic mandibles of both creatures.

5. Who would win in a fight: Ditka or a hurricane?

My answer: Depends. Is the hurricane's name Ditka?

Nerds' answer: Depends. Is the hurricane's name Ditka?

M - I - S - S - I - S - S - I - P - P - I

I came across an article that pointed out that Mississippi has the worst teen pregnancy rate in the nation.

"Funny," I thought. "Didn't I just read about Mississippi being the worst at something else, too?"

So I googled "Mississippi ranks" and this is what I found.

Mississippi ranks:

#1 Teen Pregnancies

#1 Obesity

#1 Hypertension

#1 Infant Mortality

#1 Gonorrhea

#2 Chlamydia

#2 Type 2 Diabetes

#49 Overall Health

#50 Child Well-Being Statistics

#1 Poverty

#2 Unemployment

#50 Per-Capita Income

#50 ACT Scores

#50 Bachelor's Degrees

#1 Government Corruption

...and that's where I quit.

Does anybody know a good antonym for "annex"? Because I think it's time we anti-annexed Mississippi. And then we need to put up a very sturdy border fence.