It's Not a Habit, It's Cool, I Feel Alive

This week I got a break from school. With gas prices how they've been and a wife that still had to work, I was stuck in Pocatello. So I renewed my subscription to xbox live so I could finally enjoy the Call of Duty 4 multiplayer experience. My intentions were to get my fill of xbox so I wouldn't be tempted to waste time playing video games when school started back up. A variation of aversion therapy. If I played too much, I'd get sick of it.

Wrong.

I might as well have given a crackhead a bag of coke and said, "Here, snort this whole bag and then next week you won't want to snort crack anymore."

My neck is stiff, my left thumb has a blister, my eyes are blurry, and my head is pounding. And all I can think about is getting back online, getting out my G3 assault rifle, and capping some terrorists.

"Just a few more kills and I'll make gunnery seargent," I think. "Just a few more headshots and I'll unlock a new sight for my gun. Just a few more wins and I'll make 1st Lieutenant." It's endless.

-Sigh-

My name is Miles, and I'm addicted to video games.

Gasoline Prices: The Silver Lining

With gas prices nearing $4 per gallon, Americans are beginning to panic. They work extra hours, sacrifice other luxuries, and cry out for government intervention. The most obvious solution appears to be the least acceptable--use less gas. But high gas prices may be just what the doctor ordered for our country.

Motor vehicles, as much as I hate to admit it, are a contributing factor in several of our nation's biggest problems. When people finally begin to abandon their cars, we might make some headway in resolving the following problems:

1. Pollution--we've all heard plenty about this one. Smog, global warming, junkyards full of old cars and tires, etc.

2. Obesity--maybe people will drop a few pounds when they're forced to ride bicycles to work every day. (Although we might see an epidemic of hemorrhoids.)

3. Depression--exercise is helpful in treating depression. It's also good to have a few minutes of fresh air everyday without a nagging boss or client, the radio blaring, or the TV on.

4. Motor vehicle accidents--MVAs account for more deaths every year than all natural disasters combined. I'm guessing that bicycle collisions would be less fatal. And it's probably harder to ride a bike drunk than to drive drunk.

5. Health care costs--the movie stars all want to fight for AIDS awareness, but the biggest problem in American health care is obesity--a major factor in so many chronic illnesses. Depression is another big one, and so are motor vehicle accidents. Who pays for all of this? You do--taxes and health insurance go up with health care demands.

6. Consumer debt--the average American spends thousands of dollars per year on their cars. Because they are a status symbol, many people spend much more on their cars than they can truly afford. And then they have to pay for maintenance, fuel, and insurance all year.

7. Foreign policy--I can't help but think that we, the citizens of the United States, would be looked upon in a much more favorable light by the international community if we didn't need oil. And we could finally flip the bird to those corrupt middle-eastern governments. What else could we possibly need from them? Camels? Sand?

The Club

Some people think of traffic tickets as a punishment. Some co-workers introduced me to a different, more optimistic perspective. Instead of thinking of tickets as a punishment, they felt that they were simply paying their dues to be members of an elite club. This club did not have a name, but all of its members were allowed to drive as fast as they pleased.

I pointed out that, depending on how often they were pulled over, everyone's dues were different. They said that this was one of the fun rules of the club--people that were able to avoid the police would pay lower dues. It was a mix of cunning and the roll of the dice and it made the club more exciting.

I suppose I'm a junior member of the club because I always drive about 5-10 mph over the speed limit and I haven't had to pay dues for a few years.

Gender Stereotyped Toys

I feel terribly sorry for any child raised by people that insist on avoiding "gender-stereotyped toys." They subscribe to the ridiculous notion that boys and girls are the same until they are taught to be different. No nature, just nurture. I think that these people have some major issues in their own lives and are making their kids suffer for it. Maybe they were the weird boys that liked to play with dolls and dress up. Maybe they are trying ever so hard to break into that intellectual, self-righteous, "open-minded" crowd. Or maybe they've been deceived by foolish, misled psychologist pushing their own untried hypotheses on childhood development. Whatever the case, their children are cheated out of the COOLEST TOYS!

Well, I'll tell you something. If my parents had tried that crap with me, it wouldn't have worked. Nope. I didn't need Mattel to manufacture guns and swords. I made my own. Anything and everything was a potential weapon--puzzle pieces, spoons, severed doll legs--anything.

Fortunately, I had normal parents that let me play with normal toys. I had my weapons, my cowboy boots, and my sports equipment and I was happy.

Antisocial

My fellow educated Americans, we have been oppressed long enough. It is time to take a stand. Brothers and sisters, I call on each of you to confront anyone that misuses the term "antisocial." Let them know that the term "antisocial" should not and cannot be used to refer to an individual that is shy, does not feel like going out, or is hesitant to participate in social functions. Tell them that a person must fit three or more of the following criteria in order to be designated antisocial:

1. Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest.
2. Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeatedly lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure
3. Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead
4. Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults
5. Reckless disregard for safety of self or others
6. Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations
7. Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.

Let them know that such behavior must not occur exclusively during an episode of schizophrenia or a manic episode. Inform them that they are idiots for having misused the term and that their understanding of the term could not have been more off. Finally, let them know that if they must use labels to put down their friends that don't feel like going out on a particular night, the terms "schizoid" or "social phobic" would be much more appropriate. My fellow educated Americans, onward!

Gooooooooooooooooooooooal!

I would like to take a moment to express appreciation for one of my greatest sources of satisfaction.

There are few things in life that make the pleasure centers in my brain light up more than watching a soccer ball leave my foot, sail through the air, and strike the net. (I said "few things," not "no things" for those of you that are thinking certain thoughts.) I love the excitement of pulling my leg back, seeing a few square feet of open net with my peripheral vision, and knowing that in a second I will either feel exhiliration or intense frustration. But more than that, I love the satisfaction of seeing the ball rocket between defenders and past the outstretched hand of a diving keeper. I love watching the waves in the net. I love hearing my teammates cheer. I love scoring goals.

There are other athletic accomplishments that compare to the satisfaction of scoring a goal. I love sprinting away from the pass rush, seeing a receiver downfield one step ahead of his defender, judging how far my momentum will carry the ball and how far I need to lead the receiver, and slinging a spiral into his chest. I love making a quick cross-over dribble to free myself from the defender, pulling up at the top of the key, and watching the ball hit the bottom of the net. I love sprinting down the sideline, hesitating just long enough to freeze a would-be tackler, and then hitting the afterburners and watching him fall on his back. I love seeing the glimmer in an opponent's eye as he pulls up for a jumper and then swatting his shot from the air. But as enjoyable as all these moments are, scoring a goal takes the cake.

There are, unfortunately, those among us that have never experienced the moments of which I speak. They may not feel as passionately about sports as I. To them I say, "Sorry."