The Big Humdrum

It was agonizing to watch the whining, cheating, flopping Spurs win another play-off game, a game in which they were outplayed, in double overtime. Worst of all, Tim Duncan hit the first 3-pointer he's made all year to keep the Spurs alive. What a joke! I cannot stand Tim Duncan. Here's why:



4. He's hideous.

From his undersized noggin to his caveman brow to his goofy eyes to his gigantic, round nose to his gluteal chin, the man is not pleasant to look at. And every facial expression in his tiny repertoire only contorts that grotesque mug into something worse. No wonder he never expresses emotion unless he's whining about a good call!



3. He plays for the Spurs.

He plays for the dirtiest, whiniest, cheatingest team in the league--a team that flops their way to the top every year. I also hate the way they analyze and exploit basketball's great weakness--contact sport or no? Nobody knows. They make drawing fouls and getting away with fouls into an art form rather than playing basketball.



2. He never talks or expresses emotion except to whine to the refs.

Every play that doesn't go Timmy's way, expect a show. First, he'll open those ugly eyes so big you think they're going to pop out. Then he'll wrinkle his forehead until the skin avulses from his neck. Then he'll raise both arms in the air and twirl around and around. You've all seen it before. You know what I'm talking about. Then he'll look up at the replay and pretend that he's classy by not complaining anymore.



1. He's doing his best to ruin basketball.

Tim Duncan has one move--lower the shoulder, spin, raise those freakish arms up high, and hope the rim is forgiving. And what burns me up is that it usually is. Doink, doink, doink, swish. They call him "the Big Fundamental." Well, guess what. Those fundamentals would do him no good if his arms weren't eight feet long. There isn't a creative bone in his body. He just does the same thing over and over and no one can stop him. If this is the direction the NBA is heading, then I won't be watching much basketball in the future. Basketball is supposed to be about athleticism--not perfecting a set of 2 or 3 skills. It's not golf, for crying out loud!