Satellite Package

When you go to the grocery store for a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk, they don't tell you, "You can have the bread and milk if you also buy cheese, the latest issue of the Enquirer, three flavors of Jell-O, bubble bath, and a tube of antifungal cream...All for a low, low price! The other grocery stores only offer TWO flavors of Jell-O! Here, you get three!"

Unfortunately, that's what satellite and cable TV do. They make you buy all the crap with the good stuff. Why do I have to pay for A&E, the Weather Channel, and the Food Network just so I can watch BYU football?

I wish someone would let you put together a custom package. Here is my first draft:

ESPN

ESPN2

Versus

the Mtn

Spike (MMA)

NBC (the Office)

ABC (for a few more weeks until Lost is over)

History Channel

If I need more channels than that, I'd better evaluate how much time I'm spending watching TV.

Did I miss anything good?

Company Names

Years of television watching have taught my brain to divert "now, for a limited time," "0% APR," and "dah, dah, dah, dah, dah... I'm lovin' it" into the dumping grounds of my subconscious mind, stamped DNR. Commercials are a low, annoying background hum while I tune in to another channel of thought. I play with Zo, talk with Celeste, or think about my next creative project until my filter alerts me that Jack Bauer or Dwight Shrute are back on screen. I then tune back in to the television. But occasionally, my filter picks up on something interesting and draws me back to the broadcast prematurely. (Usually a Victoria's Secret commercial. In such cases I have to overrule my id and go back to tuning out the commercials.) The other night, the filter caught the tail end of a commercial for a home improvement franchise. "...for a limited time, only...at Menards!"
Menards?!

Isn't that what you say when you get hit in the groin with a football?

"Oh, Menards!"

Don't people think before they name their companies?

I used to pass by an autobody shop called, "Gaylord Fiberglass Truck". Across the street, I kid you not, was a used car dealership called, "Menlove Auto." Coincidence?

We also used to pass by a restaurant in Anaheim, CA called "Thai Porn." I'm sure many potential clients walked out of "Thai Porn" very disappointed. What was the owner thinking?

------

Well, I just looked it up. Turns out "porn" means "blessing" in Thailand. The owner's name is Pornpan. She named the restaurant after herself on the advice of a fortune teller. Now that's a fortune teller with a sense of humor.

XY

Turns out that I am so manly I only crank out Y chromosomes.

We're having another boy.