Homestead

I found this 17 acre property north of Marshall, MO and the wheels started to turn. (Daydreaming keeps me going.) On the property is a 6 acre lake--about the size of 4 and 1/2 football fields. The property already has water and electricity. So we get 3 or 4 families together and purchase the land. We each build a house on different sides of the lake (privacy you know). Then we build a sweet lakeside clubhouse.

The Clubhouse: By combining the earning potential of 4 families, we could build an awesome clubhouse. A large 2nd story deck would overhang the lake. It would have patio furniture and a BBQ. Inside, the 2nd floor would have two large rooms. One would be a theater with a projector, powerful surround sound, and plenty of seating. Two other large flat screens would be mounted kitty corner to the projector screen. We could watch several games at a time during the World Cup, March Madness, the NBA playoffs, etc. They would, of course, be connected to X-Box 360s and PCs (all networked together with additional ports for laptops if we have more players). All the hardware would be neatly hidden in cabinets until it came time to play the newest Call of Duty or Warcraft game. Next to the theater would be a game room with a pool table, foosball, ping-pong, board game/card game table, and whatever else. Downstairs we would have a kitchen with a large eating area for get-togethers. There would also be a gym for getting pumped up, and a bathroom/changing room. Underneath the deck would be a dock.

The Sports Complex: Just outside the clubhouse we would have our basketball court, volleyball net, and soccer/football field. Lightpoles on the clubhouse would provide lighting for those summer midnight games. The deck would provide a good view of the action for spectators.

The Lake: I don't think 6 acres is big enough for water skiing, but it ought to be big enough for waverunners. This particular lake is full of blue gill and bass. And in the fall it is full of ducks. We'll put up rope swings and maybe even install a diving board. If you need to get your water skiing fix, there are tons of large lakes nearby.

The Land: Please refer to my Backyard post.

The Area: 1/2 mile from the Missouri River, just north of Van Meter State Park, and close to the Grand Pass Wildlife Area. It's also just over an hour from Kansas City (home of the Chiefs, a temple, and all the culture and shopping you ladies could want) and less than an hour from Columbia (home of the University of Missouri and plenty of culture and shopping).

The Houses: Build whatever you want. I don't care. As for our house, I'll leave that up to the wife.

The Windmill, Well, and Solar Panels: I'm sick of paying monthly utility bills. We'll share a well and build a windmill out in the forest. Then I'll put those new, cheap solar panels on my roof.

Make your reservations now!

Lorenzo v. 2.0 and 3.0

Don't worry. I'm not turning this into one of those family blogs. (Not that there's anything wrong with that...) But as a proud, new father, I can't help but introduce you to my son, Lorenzo the Third. I'd publish a picture of his mother, but after 10.5 hours of labor and 1.5 hours of giving it everything she had, she forbade it.

Cupid's Sense of Humor

Cupid, the Roman god of erotic love and beauty, wasn't always a pudgy baby. He started out as the Greek sex symbol, Eros. Eros actually had two different types of arrows. The first type was the one we're all familiar with--the type that made you fall in love. The second type, however, made you hate the first person you saw.

The fact that Cupid has a sense of humor is made evident by the story in which he shoots the god Apollo with a love arrow so he falls head over heels in love with a nymph. Cupid then shoots the nymph with a hate arrow. So lovesick Apollo chases the nymph around in a scene straight from a Pepe le Pew cartoon.

Another proof of Cupid's sense of humor is tiny men who marry giant women and then try to put their arms around them at church.

Valentine's Day

The mention of Valentine's Day conjures up images of heart-shaped boxes of chocolate, roses, and flying infants with bows. It didn't start out that way.

Some historians claim that Valentine's Day is the Catholic church's attempt to reform a pagan holiday into something more Christian. (They say that about every holiday.) According to them, Valentine's Day was meant to replace the Roman festival of Lupercalia. Lupercalia was apparently quite the party. Dogs and goats were sacrificed and their skin and blood used to make soggy whips. The Roman men then ran naked through the streets flogging the women to make them fertile. (I'm sure a lot of children were born about 9 months later, but I doubt it was the dog/goat whips.)

Well, those uptight conservative Christians had to rain on their parade and outlaw Lupercalia. In its stead Valentine's Day was instituted in memorium to one of their Catholic saints. (Sorry you can't have your big bash. Let us make it up to you with extra church.)


St. Valentine was a priest who disobeyed the Roman emperor by performing marriages for young men. The emperor didn't want a band of whipped, home-sick ladies' men fighting his battles. He was in need of fighters--not lovers. So he outlawed marriage for young men. When he found out Valentine was screwing with his agenda, he sentenced him to death. Valentine fell in love with the jailor's daughter (vow of celibacy?) while on death row, and being a hopeless romantic (very hopeless) he passed her the very first "Valentine."


I guess a few years later, while the Pope was looking for a replacement for Lupercalia, Valentine's story landed on his desk. He happened to be in a meeting with the CEO of Hallmark, his friend Hersheysio, and the president of the Rose Gardener's Guild.


"That works," said the Pope. "Go with it."


And so Valentine's Day was born.

All Natural

What is the appeal of "all natural" products? Why do people automatically think that something is better for you if it is "all natural"? Why do people refuse medications and vaccines because they are synthetic, yet put full trust in all-natural remedies?

Yes, Mother Nature made some great stuff. Fruits, vegetables, herbs, fish, etc. You know what else Mother Nature made? Tetanus, botulism, cobra venom, arsenic...

If I bottle some dirt, call it "Regolith," tell you it "has been used by the aboriginal tribes of the Amazon rainforest to help prevent cancer," and slap an "ALL NATURAL!" label on the bottle, I guarantee people would buy it. For the next 20 years, most of them wouldn't get cancer. They'd tell you all about how wonderful Regolith is and how well it staves off cancer. Don't worry about getting that Pap smear, mammogram, or colonoscopy! You're fighting off cancer with natural minerals!

Does bottled mountain spring water have a different chemical formula than the water I get from my kitchen sink? It's all H20. And Arrowhead isn't "all natural." You know why I don't drink "all natural" water? Giardia. Blow-out diarrhea. I prefer good old artificially cleansed water, thank you very much.

One of my favorite "all natural" peddlers is Kevin Trudeau. If you have spent any time channel surfing late at night you have seen infomercials for his book, "Natural Cures 'They' Don't Want You to Know About." He tells you that the FDA and the drug companies are involved in a huge conspiracy. Supposedly, they want to keep everyone sick so they can keep making a fortune selling their drugs. Millions of suckers have bought this hogwash. I've personally argued with co-workers who were completely convinced. Well, watch this video.



The medical community isn't perfect but, like it or not, it's the best we've got.

All Dressed Up

I wonder if these guys ever have dreams that they forgot to put their gourds on before going to work.

Backyard

If I was a millionaire, I'd buy about 100 acres of forested land and build a SWEET backyard! The backyard visible from our beautiful house would be classy and traditional. But hidden behind the trees... Here's what you'd find:

1. Swiss Family Robinson Treehouse. It would have at least 3 different sections with a tower that protruded from the forest canopy and had a view of the entire 100 acres. It would also have a zip line. The walls would have loop holes so we could defend the treehouse in paintball battles.

2. Go-Kart Track. I'd have at least 4 go-karts that we could race around the track. It would be an off-road track, with natural obstacles, about a quarter mile long, that wound through the forest. Spectators could make themselves comfortable in the treehouse with lawn chairs and an ice chest. I wish I could figure out a way to fire red turtle shells at each other. I'm a gonna win!

3. Basketball Court. It would be a pretty standard outdoor court for the most part. Concrete floor, painted lines, and a chain link fence so we don't have to chase the ball everywhere. But the backboards would be nice, glass backboards with break-away rims that you can crank up and down to the preferred height. (I'm too old to dunk on 10-foot rims anymore.) I'd also have stadium lighting so we could play as late as we wanted.

4. Life-Size Chess Board. Maybe I'd put it under the treehouse so we could get a good view of the board from above.

5. Paintball Battlefield. Plywood buildings would form an urban setting while trenches, bunkers, and the forest would provide variety. I'd make a teepee out of paintball netting that we could set up where ever we wanted. Spectators could sit right in the middle of the battle sipping on ice cold lemonade without fear of being hit by paintballs. The treehouse could be defended. Assaults could be launched from speeding go-karts. I'm getting goosebumps.

6. Soccer/Football Field. Away from the mayhem of the paintball field, I'd have a pristine grass field with soccer goals. We might put up a short fence with a backstop behind the goals to keep from having to chase the ball all the time. Like the basketball court, it would have stadium lighting so we could play after dark. In fact, we might put it right next to the basketball court to form a sports complex.

7. Shooting Range. I'd just clear an alley in the trees about 200 yards long. Then I'd put up targets depending on whether we were shooting rifles, pistols, shotguns, or bows.

8. Swimming Pool. The swimming pool can actually be placed in the traditional backyard behind the house. It will have a deep end with a diving board but, more importantly, it will have a shallow end with basketball goals on each side. About 4 feet deep all the way across. We'll paint three-point lines on the floor of the pool. We'll keep an ice chest handy for injuries. No Lifeguard on Duty.

9. Bonfire Pit. Why not?

10. Mud Field. Snow football is great when the stars align to give me a snowy field and enough players for a game. But with a hose and a plow, I can simulate the snowy field. Year-round snow football! You can keep a change of clothes in the mud room behind the house.

Okay, that's enough for now. But the wheels are still turning. Ideas?