R.I.P. Xbox 360

I regret to inform you of the passing of a dear, dear loved one, my Xbox 360. The Xbox spent his entire life making others happy, and found his greatest joy in entertaining those whom he loved. He leaves behind 4 wireless controllers, 8 games, and 5 months worth of Xbox Live subscription. Cause of death is unknown as I found him with the red ring of death, indicating a hardware failure, after letting my little brother use him. Xbox 360, I'll never forget you.

Exclusive Insurance Company

Why am I paying for this guy's healthcare? Why am I paying for his liver transplant? Why am I paying for his Combivent and Advair? His lab work and innumerable chest X-rays, CT scans, cardiac stress tests, EKGs, etc?


Why does he pay the same insurance premiums that I pay? Or less since he qualified for "disability" because he won't get an education and won't do manual labor anymore because his back hurts.

It's time for the responsible members of our society to band together and institute our own insurance company. Yes, we pay taxes so we'll always be paying that guy's bills. But why should we have to pay outrageous insurance premiums on top of it?

My insurance program would be exclusive. No smokers, heavy drinkers, or obese. Blood positive for nicotine? You're out. Arrested for DUI or hospitalized with EtOH level over 400? You're out. Urine toxicology screen positive for opiates, THC, stimulants, etc and you don't have a matching prescription? You're out. Body mass index over 29? You're out. Over the age of 80 and you want an organ transplant? Sorry. Brain dead but the family wants to keep your corpse breathing? You're out. You went to the ER for a rash that's been present for 2 months? You're out. You shoved what up where? You're out. You contracted 3 STDs in the past 6 months? You're out.

I'm not advocating that we stop taking care of the irresponsible. The new administration already has big plans for that. I'm saying that those of us who take care of ourselves ought to get a break on insurance premiums.

The problem, of course, is enforcing the qualification standards. How do we know that they're not smoking or binging and that they're maintaining a healthy body weight? Whenever they receive care worth more than $300, they have to give up a urine sample and have their height and weight reported. If nicotine or other drugs are found in the urine or if their BMI exceeds 30, the insurance company is released from any obligation to pay for their care. Clients would also agree to release their medical records to the insurance company. It sounds a little bit intrusive, but so is everything else in medicine. (Ever heard of a Foley catheter?) And if you're someone we want in our insurance program, what have you got to hide?

People are going to say that this is discrimination. Discrimination against smokers. Discrimination against fat people. That's like saying it's discrimination against criminals to lock them up. When you eat up my healthcare dollars by not taking care of yourself, you are infringing on my rights to liberty from outrageous healthcare costs and the pursuit of happiness!

Will someone who is business savvy please get the ball rolling? Thanks.

Replace the Boy Nerds of America With Mighty Men!

The young men's program in the LDS church is the Boy Scouts of America.  You may be surprised, as I was, that Boy Scouts used to be cool--in the 30's.  Well, it's not anymore.  And that's coming from an Eagle scout.  Let me tell you about my scouting experience.  I sat in a hard, orange chair, half asleep, listening to a guy in cowboy boots with an out-of-this-world potbelly chew us out for not working on merit badges.  Week in and week  out.  What happened to taking my hatchet into the woods and canoeing across lakes and surviving in make-shift shelters?  We weren't even allowed to touch the hatchet unless we had the tote n' chip card.  And then we had to stay outside the roped area until it was our turn to do some supervised chopping.  

I expressed my concern to my dad, and he assured me that as soon as he is sustained in General Conference as the young men's president Boy Scouts is getting the boot.  In its stead he will institute an as of yet unnamed program.  (Proposed names include the Mighty Man Program or the Stripling Warriors.)  Here are a few of the activities that will be included in the program.

Weight Lifting and Speed Development

CPR, First Aid, and Basic Life Support Certification

Martial Arts

Survival (Wilderness and Urban)

Electives:

Sport(s) of your choice (football, basketball, soccer, baseball, rugby, etc)

Water Sports (wakeboarding, waterskiing, etc)

Snow Sports (snowboarding, skiing, etc)

Advanced Handgun Course

Precision Rifle Course

Bow Hunting

The idea is to go from this:

to this:

Santa Claus Shmanta Claus

Top 10 Reasons Santa Claus Should Not Be the Central Figure of Christmas

10.  Childhood obesity is one of our nation's most daunting healthcare problems.

9.  He whips his reindeer and exploited Rudolph's birth defect.

8.  Can you really trust a man with so many aliases?

7.  Santa's sleigh would have to weigh 350,000 tons and travel 650 miles per second to deliver toys to all Christian children which would create enough friction to instantly burn him to death and really isn't very good science for our children to be learning.

6.  Did anyone else notice, as a child, that Santa always brought the rich kids better toys?  Sometimes he even passed the poor kids by!

5.  If you switch the "n" and the "t" you get "Satna" and you're only one more letter swap from "Satan."

4.  He's obsessed with hos.

3.  Elf slavery.

2.  Breaking and entering.

1.  It's not Clausmas.  It's Christmas.

Yeah, Right, Lisa. A Wonderful, Magical Animal.

Do any of us actually stop and think, before we eat Thanksgiving dinner, that this turkey was once a living, breathing creature?  How about before we sink our teeth into that burger?  And why is it that some of us find the idea of eating a cow's buttocks so much more appealing than eating its tongue?  Why is it okay to eat a slimy fish that you caught at the lake but not a cat?  

On a separate topic, I think that the vegan diet is a result of too many city people with nothing to do thinking too much.  You would think more exposure to the actual event of killing an animal for food would make people less likely to eat that animal, but farmers don't seem to have any trouble ringing a chicken's neck, ripping out all its guts, pulling off all its feathers, roasting it in an oven, and then savoring every bite.  No, I think it's because the ignorant city folk feel betrayed.  They grow up with cute stuffed cows, cow decorations, and cow cartoon characters.  When it finally dawns on them that they are eating Betsy every time they go to Burger King, they get upset.  If they were around the cows like the farmers, ranchers, and dairy workers who slaughter them, they would realize what disgusting and stupid animals they are.  Then they would have no objections.  

"Liiiisaaa! Don't eeeeat me!"

Mailman Steve

I propose we build a memorial for "Mailman Steve" Padgett.  He's not dead yet, but he's got diabetes and heart disease so we'd better get started.

Mailman Steve worked for the U.S. Postal Service and stopped delivering junk mail in 1999.  And guess what...  Nobody complained!

Unfortunately, a utility worker (let's lynch him!) turned in our hero.  His customers, of course, were not upset with him when they were informed of his "crime."  But he was given a $3000 fine, 500 hours of community service, and three years probation.

If everyone who hates junk mail would send Mailman Steve a quarter, we could make him a rich man!  Way to go Steve!

Proverbs

I wish I had the Proverbs from the Bible memorized.  There are so many of them that would be perfect to bust out in every day situations.  Here are some examples:

You're minding your own business, playing a little Xbox, and your wife won't stop bugging you to take out the trash.

You say, "A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.  Proverbs 27:15."

Sister So-and-So's child won't behave in your primary class.

You say, "Sister So-and-So, Withhold not correction from the child; for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell. Proverbs 23:13-14."

You go out with friends and your friend's wife keeps blabbing about shoes or fat-free dressing or you-don't-know-what because you stopped listening.

You say, "A fool uttereth all [her] mind, but a wise [woman] keepeth it in till afterwards. Proverbs 29:11."

Your daughter wants to buy the latest copy of Seventeen magazine with Paris Hilton on the cover.

You say, "A whore is a deep ditch. Proverbs 23:27."

You ask you chemistry student what the atomic number of oxygen is.  He says he doesn't know.

You say, "In the lips of him that hath understanding wisdom is found; but a rod for the back of him that is void of understanding. Proverbs 10:13."

Good stuff.