Sunday, May 18, 2008

Gender Stereotyped Toys



I feel terribly sorry for any child raised by people that insist on avoiding "gender-stereotyped toys." They subscribe to the ridiculous notion that boys and girls are the same until they are taught to be different. No nature, just nurture. I think that these people have some major issues in their own lives and are making their kids suffer for it. Maybe they were the weird boys that liked to play with dolls and dress up. Maybe they are trying ever so hard to break into that intellectual, self-righteous, "open-minded" crowd. Or maybe they've been deceived by foolish, misled psychologist pushing their own untried hypotheses on childhood development. Whatever the case, their children are cheated out of the COOLEST TOYS!

Well, I'll tell you something. If my parents had tried that crap with me, it wouldn't have worked. Nope. I didn't need Mattel to manufacture guns and swords. I made my own. Anything and everything was a potential weapon--puzzle pieces, spoons, severed doll legs--anything.

Fortunately, I had normal parents that let me play with normal toys. I had my weapons, my cowboy boots, and my sports equipment and I was happy.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Antisocial


My fellow educated Americans, we have been oppressed long enough. It is time to take a stand. Brothers and sisters, I call on each of you to confront anyone that misuses the term "antisocial." Let them know that the term "antisocial" should not and cannot be used to refer to an individual that is shy, does not feel like going out, or is hesitant to participate in social functions. Tell them that a person must fit three or more of the following criteria in order to be designated antisocial:


1. Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest.
2. Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeatedly lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure
3. Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead
4. Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults
5. Reckless disregard for safety of self or others
6. Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations
7. Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.


Let them know that such behavior must not occur exclusively during an episode of schizophrenia or a manic episode. Inform them that they are idiots for having misused the term and that their understanding of the term could not have been more off. Finally, let them know that if they must use labels to put down their friends that don't feel like going out on a particular night, the terms "schizoid" or "social phobic" would be much more appropriate. My fellow educated Americans, onward!

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Gooooooooooooooooooooooal!


I would like to take a moment to express appreciation for one of my greatest sources of satisfaction.


There are few things in life that make the pleasure centers in my brain light up more than watching a soccer ball leave my foot, sail through the air, and strike the net. (I said "few things," not "no things" for those of you that are thinking certain thoughts.) I love the excitement of pulling my leg back, seeing a few square feet of open net with my peripheral vision, and knowing that in a second I will either feel exhiliration or intense frustration. But more than that, I love the satisfaction of seeing the ball rocket between defenders and past the outstretched hand of a diving keeper. I love watching the waves in the net. I love hearing my teammates cheer. I love scoring goals.


There are other athletic accomplishments that compare to the satisfaction of scoring a goal. I love sprinting away from the pass rush, seeing a receiver downfield one step ahead of his defender, judging how far my momentum will carry the ball and how far I need to lead the receiver, and slinging a spiral into his chest. I love making a quick cross-over dribble to free myself from the defender, pulling up at the top of the key, and watching the ball hit the bottom of the net. I love sprinting down the sideline, hesitating just long enough to freeze a would-be tackler, and then hitting the afterburners and watching him fall on his back. I love seeing the glimmer in an opponent's eye as he pulls up for a jumper and then swatting his shot from the air. But as enjoyable as all these moments are, scoring a goal takes the cake.


There are, unfortunately, those among us that have never experienced the moments of which I speak. They may not feel as passionately about sports as I. To them I say, "Sorry."

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Stop EATING!!!


Okay, here’s a blog entry that’s related to the last two I posted.

Occasionally, I enjoy eating out at a steakhouse, an all-you-can-eat buffet, or some other restaurant that serves enormous portions of extremely unhealthy food. Occasionally. And each time I do so, I stuff myself silly to guarantee that I get my money’s worth.

As I sit there gorging myself on meat, butter, Dr. Pepper, and fried whatever, I catch myself looking at other patrons and silently asking them, “Should you really be here?”

Each time that question is elicited the self-evident answer is a resounding NO!

It would be interesting to find out what the average BMI is at any given time within the walls of a Texas Roadhouse. (Or the prevalence of cardiovascular disease.)

Democracy Requires Responsibility

“A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only exist until the voters discover that they can vote themselves largesse from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates promising the most benefits from the public treasury with the result that a democracy always collapses over loose fiscal policy followed by a dictatorship. The average age of the world's greatest civilizations has been 200 years.”
--Alexander Fraser Tytler

The current battle cry in American politics is “change.” Given the current state of affairs in America, I would agree that change is badly needed. The problem is that everyone demands that others change rather than accepting the fact that their own lifestyle is contributing to national problems. The battle cry ought to be “responsibility!” But apparently that’s too difficult for Americans.

I believe that most of America is found between the “selfishness” and “complacency” stages in Tytler’s cycle of civilization. Rather than voting for candidates that advocate policies taking responsibility for mistakes Americans have made, voters flock to support candidates that promise government changes that will somehow miraculously fix problems without demanding that the people take responsibility and change the lifestyles that lay at the root of the problem.

“Let government pay for my healthcare,” they say. “The mortgage companies didn’t catch me lying on my application? Well, the government better bail me out. We’re switching to digital TV? Well, the government had better buy a converter box for me. Gas prices are too high. I can’t be expected to stop driving my SUV. That would be unjust and unacceptable. So somebody needs to stop the oil companies. It’s not my child’s fault that he broke in and vandalized the school. He has conduct disorder. I don’t feel safe in America. The NSA had better change something. And they better do it without profiling, asking for more funds, slowing down the lines at the airport, or inconveniencing me in any way. It’s so unfair that I have cardiovascular disease. How can they expect me to stop eating treats? And exercise? Are you kidding me? Somebody has got to start making some food that tastes just as good and I can eat as much as I want without any health risks. And they need to stop holding back the cure for COPD and lung cancer so I can smoke my cigarettes.”

And how is the government supposed to accomplish these things?

“They need to put more money into education. They need to put more money into healthcare. They need to put more money into national defense.”

Oh, more money. So where does the government get its money? Taxes. Duh.

“Oh, no. No more taxes. I can barely support my family as it is.”

Well, America, I’m sorry. There’s no magical answer. But there is a timeless, proven one. Responsibility. Let that be the battle cry. We need to stop guzzling gas to lower the demand. We need to start taking care of ourselves to lower healthcare costs. We need to live in houses that we can afford. We need to pay for our own luxuries and learn to do without those things that we cannot afford. We need to stop getting our feelings hurt at the airport. We need to take responsibility and change our lifestyles. And we need to elect candidates that will ask that of us. If not, Tytler was right. (Our civilization isn't much older than the average 200 years.)

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

If You Give a Fat Kid a Cookie


If you give a fat kid a cookie…
He’s going to want a tub of ice cream.
If you give him a tub of ice cream…
He’s going to want more cookies.
If you give him more cookies…
He’s going to want hot fudge, caramel, whipped cream, and another tub of ice cream.
If you give him hot fudge, caramel, whipped cream, and another tub of ice cream…
He’s going to get dyslipidemia, hyperglycemia, and insulin resistance.
If he gets dyslipidemia, hyperglycemia, and insulin resistance…
He’s going to develop atherosclerosis and type 2 diabetes.
If he develops atherosclerosis and type 2 diabetes…
He will form blood clots.
If he forms blood clots…
They will occlude coronary blood supply.
If they occlude coronary blood supply…
He will have a myocardial infarction.
If he has a myocardial infarction…
The fat kid will die…
If you give a fat kid a cookie.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

The Teeter Totter Effect


Why is it that societies roll from one extreme to the other? Why is it that there is such a profound difference between what is "politically correct" and what is correct? I would like to propose a theory and, with it, coin a new phrase--"the teeter totter effect."

Here are some examples of the teeter totter effect.


From
Oppressed women that don't speak unless spoken to, can't own property, and are not permitted to vote
to
Man-hating feminists that claim women are superior, refuse to shave their legs, and aspire to take over the world


From
Men have the right to treat animals however they want
to
Animals have more rights than people


From
Minorities are inferior to white people
to
Minorities should be given preference when competing for positions in employment or academics


Activists find something that is wrong with the world and dedicate themselves to fixing the problem. Unfortunately, many activists become so passionate about their cause that their priorities get mixed up. They push their agenda so hard that they begin to advocate the opposite extreme on the spectrum. The result is a sociopolitical movement that overshoots the correct approach to the subject. And so society teeter totters between one extreme and another.