The Big Humdrum

It was agonizing to watch the whining, cheating, flopping Spurs win another play-off game, a game in which they were outplayed, in double overtime. Worst of all, Tim Duncan hit the first 3-pointer he's made all year to keep the Spurs alive. What a joke! I cannot stand Tim Duncan. Here's why:



4. He's hideous.

From his undersized noggin to his caveman brow to his goofy eyes to his gigantic, round nose to his gluteal chin, the man is not pleasant to look at. And every facial expression in his tiny repertoire only contorts that grotesque mug into something worse. No wonder he never expresses emotion unless he's whining about a good call!



3. He plays for the Spurs.

He plays for the dirtiest, whiniest, cheatingest team in the league--a team that flops their way to the top every year. I also hate the way they analyze and exploit basketball's great weakness--contact sport or no? Nobody knows. They make drawing fouls and getting away with fouls into an art form rather than playing basketball.



2. He never talks or expresses emotion except to whine to the refs.

Every play that doesn't go Timmy's way, expect a show. First, he'll open those ugly eyes so big you think they're going to pop out. Then he'll wrinkle his forehead until the skin avulses from his neck. Then he'll raise both arms in the air and twirl around and around. You've all seen it before. You know what I'm talking about. Then he'll look up at the replay and pretend that he's classy by not complaining anymore.



1. He's doing his best to ruin basketball.

Tim Duncan has one move--lower the shoulder, spin, raise those freakish arms up high, and hope the rim is forgiving. And what burns me up is that it usually is. Doink, doink, doink, swish. They call him "the Big Fundamental." Well, guess what. Those fundamentals would do him no good if his arms weren't eight feet long. There isn't a creative bone in his body. He just does the same thing over and over and no one can stop him. If this is the direction the NBA is heading, then I won't be watching much basketball in the future. Basketball is supposed to be about athleticism--not perfecting a set of 2 or 3 skills. It's not golf, for crying out loud!

Greatest Video Games of All Time

At the risk of angering a lot of nerds and alienating myself from some brothers that are passionate about their games, I'm going to list my own version of the top 10 video games EVER. Most of them have sequels or are sequels, so I'm not necessarily referring to the original, but to the entire series. Now, when I say "Greatest Games of All Time" I mean the 10 games that I would still enjoy playing--not games that were the best when they came out.

10. The Legend of Zelda. This game was such a great adventure. I only like the original, though. It gets really tedious having to try to use every object on every square inch of the game in the newer ones. Why would I use a magical bean on the old tree in the graveyard? Lame.

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9. X-Wing/TIE Fighter. It might have a lot to do with nostalgia, but I have very fond memories of making single-handed assaults on star destroyers and hunting down TIE interceptors on the old Lucasarts starfighter simulator.

8. Super Smash Bros. Okay, the truth is that I have not logged many hours playing this game and I am not very good. But it's got so much potential that it made my list. It allows for 4 players to duke it out in a chaotic battle. I wish I could find that game for my old N64.

7. Mortal Kombat. Street Fighter fans can kiss my butt. Mortal Kombat entered the fighting game scene and gone were the days of just pushing buttons as quickly and randomly as possible. Finally we had a game that required strategy and anticipation instead of just quick fingers.

6. Warcraft/Starcraft. I was introduced to the wonderful world of real-time games when my brother came home with the original Warcraft. I have seen more than one good student's academic career destroyed by the addictive power of Starcraft, and I have to admit that I've spent a few classes playing it, too.

5. Civilization. Greatest strategy series of all time. Never has a 1 player game kept my attention for so long. Every turn I feel that I'm on the verge of another important breakthrough on my journey to conquering the world.

4. Halo. Everyone knows all about Halo. Halo 3, the latest in the series, was not a disappointment.

3. Call of Duty. Call of Duty 4 has all but perfected the first-person shooter. Multiplayer battles take place in extremely realistic battlegrounds that allow for plenty of strategy and creativity. Like any shooter game, the controls take some getting used to, but with some coaxing and coaching my wife is getting to be quite a competitor.

2. Mariokart. I have had more fun, by far, playing Mariokart 64 than any other game. The controls are simple and still allow for a lot of freedom. Battle mode requires skill, strategy, creativity, and concentration. There's just enough luck involved so that people don't take it too seriously and get mad when they lose. Best of all, it is the gateway game to get girls to play video games.

1. Snow Football. Okay, this game hasn't been invented yet, but it's in my head. I played it in a dream once and it was AWESOME!

You will probably notice that certain popular games are missing from my list. Here are some game genres that I refuse to put in the top 10 games.

Any game that requires tons of concentration but no thinking (Tetris, Dr. Mario, Guitar Hero, pretty much any arcade game from the 80s). Mind numbing.

RPGs. I HATE RPGs because they are STUPID! "I'm gonna use my potion on this creature and take away 5 life points." Give me a break. I haven't tried the MMORPGs like WOW, so I don't know what I think of those.

Platform games. So you saved another princess. So what? Now you'll never enjoy playing that game again. But some platform games deserve an honorable mention because they were fun for a while. (Mario Bros, Sonic the Hedgehog, Double Dragon III, Super Contra)

Sports games. I like the sports games a lot, but most of them only allow 2 players and there is too much luck involved. For example, either the receiver catches the ball or he doesn't. Either Bo Jackson is on your team or he isn't. But a few games deserve an honorable mention. (Dodgeball, World Cup, Fifa Soccer, NCAA Football, NBA Jam, NFL Blitz) Snow Football does not share any problems that older football games have.

Any game that a 10-year old girl can beat me at. (Wii sports)

Substitute Words

If "profanity is the attempt of a lazy and feeble mind to express itself forcefully," then substitute words are even more feeble. How many ways are there to say the "f-word" in the Utah/southern Idaho vernacular? Freak, frick, frack, frig, fudge, eff... How about the "s-word"? Shoot, shniky, shiz, shiznit, scheisa (which a lot of people don't realize is still profanity)... If we can't use the real thing, can't we get a little more creative than that?

I propose that we use real words rather than imaginary words as a substitute for profane words. For example, rather than sh*t we can say "stool" or "feces."

"I feel like stool today."
"He got the feces beat out of him."

Rather than f*ck, we can say "copulate" or "intercourse."

"Copulate you, mother copulator!"
"What the intercourse?"

Such words can even be combined to completely and successfully replace swear words.

"That's copulating bull stool!"
"That copulator is a bad-bottom."

(My point is that the use of profanity or substitute words makes no sense.)

Poll Results

Congratulations to Rebekah, winner of the Coolest Romney Sibling poll. While the validity of the methods used in the survey can be debated, I concede the vote. Apparently, she is 10% cooler than me despite a mass email soliciting votes from the 49 other students in the PA program.

Rebekah did not approve of the first photos I posted of her:

Idaho Drivers Suck

Idaho drivers suck. That is all.

Parking Lot Race

A 30 second delay in reaching the parking lot after a public event is equal to approximately 10 minutes more time spent trying to leave the parking lot. This is a principle near and dear to the hearts of most men, but the majority of women seem to be totally oblivious. (I said majority, so lay off!) This is most clearly demonstrated by contrasting the behavior of the crowd after a general session of general conference to the behavior of the crowd after a priesthood session.

After a general session, the picture is one of hundreds of women chatting away with their husbands and sons standing nearby, keys in hand, nervously shooting glances at the exit. Their mouths are going a mile-a-minute, but their legs aren't moving.

"Just let me say hi to Sister So-and-So," they say. But the men aren't fooled. Say hi? When has she ever just said hi? It will turn into, at the least, a minute long gab fest which equates to about 20 extra minutes of battling it out in the parking lot.

The post-priesthood session crowd is completely different (with the exception of a few lingering socialites that in some ways resemble women.) The rush to the parking lot begins before the session even starts. Cars are backed into the stall so there is no need for backing up when it is time to leave. Seats closest to the exit are filled first, and everyone strategically jockeys for a position near the isle so they can leave quickly.

During the closing prayer a low rustling noise can be heard as the men shift their knees toward the doorway and test their footing on the carpet below them. The suspense builds as the benediction grows longer and longer and the brother offering the prayer speaks more and more slowly.

Like a starter pistol, the final "amen" sounds and the brethren jolt for the exits. (Some of them--the cheaters--left before the prayer. The rest of us know better.) We walk as quickly and dignified as we can, but some can't stand it and break into a trot. It takes great discipline not to jog, push, or trample geriatric high priests that get in the way. They hobble slowly down the middle of the hallway until they here a loud rumble behind them. Turning just in time to see the flow of white shirts and ties, their eyes grow wide and a shriek rises in their throats. But we nimbly dance around them, like white-water rapids around a boulder, and continue our flight to the parking lot.

Upon reaching the parking lot, we have some idea of how well we are doing. If the first engines are starting and only a trickle of men and boys are spilling out into the lot, then we know the parking lot experience won't be that bad. But horrified is the man that charges out the doors only to see a parking lot filled with white shirts and dark suit coats, lanes saturated with pedestrians and honking cars, and brake lights all the way to the exit.

Excessive Use of the Word "Racist"

There are few words in the English language more commonly misused than "racism" and its derivatives. While working at a residential treatment center for "at-risk" youth (quite the euphemism), I was often accused of being a racist when I had to discipline the patients. My actions had nothing to do with their race and everything to do with their breaking of the rules. I found it particularly amusing when I was accused of being "racist" by members of my own race when they received infractions for breaking rules. "Racism" has become a buzzword and is currently used (usually abused) to evoke powerful emotions. It amazes me that people so often forget the most important part of the word--RACE! Racism is prejudice or discrimination BASED ON RACE! One cannot be racist against the mentally handicapped, women, Muslims, Catholics, the poor, fat people, stupid people, goths, jocks, nerds, etc, because those are not races. If you want to say that an individual is PREJUDICED against the poor or Muslims or whatever (and you're sure you want to make that accusation) then go right ahead. But please, America, let's stop using the word "racist" to describe prejudice against groups other than races. If you really hate the word "prejudice" so badly, then attach your beloved "-ist" to the correct root word. If they think men are better than women, they're sexist. If they think tennis players are better than hockey players, call them "sportist." (You won't sound any less intelligent than you will if you call them racist.) If they think that people who use the term "racist" appropriately are better than those who don't, call them "correct."
I would also like to address the concept of "reverse racism." Whoever coined that term was a fool and so is anyone that continues to employ it. Members of minority races can be racists just as easily as members of the majority race. They are prejudiced against someone based on their race. It is not reverse racism, it is simply racism. Literally, reverse racism ought to refer to someone thinking that the race in question is superior to their own. Think about it. Racism in reverse.
Finally, if you are receiving an infraction because you didn't make your bed, or if you are getting arrested because you were selling crack, or if you didn't get hired because you are not qualified for the job, stop blaming it on racism and call it what it is--fair.
Disclaimer: This is not to say that racism is never a factor in arrests, hiring, or infractions. I'm only saying that people should stop jumping to conclusions so quickly in order to avoid responsibility for poor decisions.