City Fathers

Free At Last

2010-05-24T20:09:00.002-06:00

Previously, on 24... I invested a lot of time in a silly show. As of approximately 18 minutes ago, it ended and I breathed a sigh of relief.

After viewing the series finalies of the only two shows that I have faithfully watched over the past few years (24 and Lost), I am liberated. I will now have an extra 2 hours of free time every week. What will I do with my time?

I don't know. Let's see what's on TV.

Telephone

2010-05-23T07:02:00.003-06:00

Would somebody PLEASE teach Lady Gaga how to turn off her phone!
The best solution is often the simplest one.

Maybe she doesn't know how because she sips too much of that bub.

My TELephone...
My TELephone...

National Day of Prayer

2010-05-06T22:03:00.003-06:00

I don't understand all the uproar over the "National Day of Prayer." Emotions are running high on both sides. Evangelists think they are being robbed of "an opportunity to pray voluntarily according to their own faith." Atheists think their civil rights are being trampled by a nation that refuses to recognize the constitutional seperation of church and state.

What purpose does the National Day of Prayer serve? Does it open any channels of communication with God that aren't already open? Shouldn't every day be a day of prayer? That's like having a National Day of Breathing. It doesn't provide any additional opportunities to speak with God.

And then there are the opponents. Who takes up the cause against prayer? If you are an atheist, why does it even bother you? If you don't believe in prayer, then you don't need to worry about it! And you must be terribly naive, and a very poor historian to think that the founding fathers had a prayerless nation in mind when they composed the constitution.

I don't really understand the need for a National Day of Prayer. But it disappoints me that there are Americans who so passionately and vocally oppose prayer.

If someone were to propose to me that we have a National Day of Prayer, I would have said, "Why?"

But to those who have taken up the cause of abolishing the National Day of Prayer I say, "Why!?!"

Satellite Package

2010-04-30T18:04:00.003-06:00

When you go to the grocery store for a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk, they don't tell you, "You can have the bread and milk if you also buy cheese, the latest issue of the Enquirer, three flavors of Jell-O, bubble bath, and a tube of antifungal cream...All for a low, low price! The other grocery stores only offer TWO flavors of Jell-O! Here, you get three!"

Unfortunately, that's what satellite and cable TV do. They make you buy all the crap with the good stuff. Why do I have to pay for A&E, the Weather Channel, and the Food Network just so I can watch BYU football?

I wish someone would let you put together a custom package. Here is my first draft:

ESPN

ESPN2

Versus

the Mtn

Spike (MMA)

NBC (the Office)

ABC (for a few more weeks until Lost is over)

History Channel

If I need more channels than that, I'd better evaluate how much time I'm spending watching TV.

Did I miss anything good?

Company Names

2010-04-27T20:28:00.002-06:00

Years of television watching have taught my brain to divert "now, for a limited time," "0% APR," and "dah, dah, dah, dah, dah... I'm lovin' it" into the dumping grounds of my subconscious mind, stamped DNR. Commercials are a low, annoying background hum while I tune in to another channel of thought. I play with Zo, talk with Celeste, or think about my next creative project until my filter alerts me that Jack Bauer or Dwight Shrute are back on screen. I then tune back in to the television. But occasionally, my filter picks up on something interesting and draws me back to the broadcast prematurely. (Usually a Victoria's Secret commercial. In such cases I have to overrule my id and go back to tuning out the commercials.) The other night, the filter caught the tail end of a commercial for a home improvement franchise. "...for a limited time, only...at Menards!"
Menards?!

Isn't that what you say when you get hit in the groin with a football?

"Oh, Menards!"

Don't people think before they name their companies?

I used to pass by an autobody shop called, "Gaylord Fiberglass Truck". Across the street, I kid you not, was a used car dealership called, "Menlove Auto." Coincidence?

We also used to pass by a restaurant in Anaheim, CA called "Thai Porn." I'm sure many potential clients walked out of "Thai Porn" very disappointed. What was the owner thinking?

------

Well, I just looked it up. Turns out "porn" means "blessing" in Thailand. The owner's name is Pornpan. She named the restaurant after herself on the advice of a fortune teller. Now that's a fortune teller with a sense of humor.

XY

2010-04-27T18:13:00.004-06:00

Turns out that I am so manly I only crank out Y chromosomes.

We're having another boy.

Master Romney

2009-07-07T20:44:00.004-06:00

In 24 days I will receive my MSPAS. That's Master of Science in Physician Assistant Studies. After receiving my degree, patients and colleagues will still address me as "Miles," "the PA," "that guy," or "hey, you." Maybe in a few years when I've got some wrinkles and gray hair they'll call me Mr. Romney.

If people with doctorates are called doctors, why is there no special title for people with masters degrees?

After I graduate, I will insist that everyone call me Master Romney.

Not really. I like "Miles."

(Besides, then people would have to start calling my wife "Bachelor Romney.")

Independence Day

2009-07-07T14:32:00.003-06:00

Why do we always call it "the 4th of July"? Today is the 7th of July. So what? Why don't we call it Independence Day? Calling it "the 4th of July" is like calling Thanksgiving "Turkey Day." Or Christmas "Xmas." It's like we're trying to forget the reason behind the holiday.

Anyway, I had a good INDEPENDENCE DAY. We grilled steaks and played with some cheap fireworks. Zo was more interested in sucking on his blanket than blowing things up. After we ate, there was a thunderstorm. We sat beneath an umbrella on our back patio, covered with a sleeping back, and watched the lightening, thunder, rain, and hail. After it was over, we enjoyed the most amazing rainbow I've ever seen. It was a double rainbow that stretched from the northeast to the southeast horizon.

We watched fireworks later that night, but they didn't compare to nature's lightening and rainbow shows.

Next summer we'll be in Missouri. Then we'll see some REAL thunderstorms.

License to Il

2009-07-03T22:08:00.006-06:00

You've got to love a good villain. Darth Vader, the Joker, Professor Ratigan, the Terminator, Mr. Potter, Yosemite Sam, Mugatu... Where would cinema be without good villains?

And where would the drama playing out on the world stage be without Kim Jong Il?

He has all the qualities that make a great villain.

1. Looks: From his quasi-working class jumpsuit to his old lady glasses to his Ernie hairdo to his liver spots, the guy clears the comic ugliness bar with ease.

2. Evil: Kim Jong Il may have gotten off to a splendidly evil start at the age of 5 when he reportedly caused his brother to drown. He made good use of the next 63 years by seizing control of communist North Korea, watching his people starve while living in luxurious palaces and private resorts, forcing his mistress's husband to divorce her, planting bombs on a South Korean plane (killing 115) and in the hotel where the South Korean president was staying (killing 17), and belligerently threatening the world with nuclear holocaust.

3. Narcissism: He makes his subjects call him "Dear Leader" and "Dear Father," he calls himself an "internet expert," he claims to have written six operas in two years, he wrote a book entitled "On the Art of Cinema," and he claims to hit three or four holes-in-one per round of golf.

4. Aspirations Toward World Domination: He reminds me of Syndrome on "The Incredibles." He wants to be a hero but no one pays attention to him. So he decides to build terrible weapons and threaten the very existence of man. "This will make them notice me!"

Oh, what a boring world it would be without the comedic ravings of Kim Jong Il.

Chicks and Bikes: Results and Analysis

2009-06-25T22:15:00.004-06:00

After an overwhelming turnout of more than 7 votes, the results are in. It turns out that most readers of City Fathers either think that girls who ride motorcycles are awesome or that they're lesbians. (Or I suppose they could be awesome lesbians.) And since I know for a fact that Celeste is not a lesbian (ni me deja dormir!), I have come to the conclusion, by process of elimination, that she will be awesome if she rides motorcycles. Although 25% (2 of you) predicted that she won't ever ride a motorcycle.

Benjamin Button

2009-06-19T22:06:00.002-06:00

If Benjamin Button was born old and small, why didn't he die young and big? Why did he grow as he got younger, and then suddenly begin to shrink? He should have have turned into a giant baby for the movie to make any sense.

Maintenance Man

2009-06-17T22:12:00.004-06:00

Faithful readers of City Fathers (all 1 or 2 of you) will remember a post entitled "Homestead." If not, here's the link: http://city-fathers.blogspot.com/2009/02/homestead.html

In summary, the idea is that we'll buy a nice chunk of land with a lake and build our houses on it. Then we could build a sweet clubhouse to share, put a boat on the lake, build a basketball court, soccer field...

I'm getting off track. The point is that we'd have a nice little community with neighbors that we actually liked.

Anyway, I had another idea. I have a certain brother who is headed in the wrong direction, career-wise. Academic probation or academic suspension or whatever. I'm not going to name names. It may or may not be Jacob.

In our little community, grass will need to be mowed, roofs will need to be mended, walls will need to be painted, and toilets will need to be unclogged.

So we kill two birds with one stone. We build a modest shack on the property with a toilet, a chair, and a World of Warcraft-ready computer. We let this unnamed brother move his family into the shack and feed them in return for maintenance services. We'll even give him a uniform, a clipboard, and a Nextel radio.

*Beep* "Go ahead."

"We've got a clogged toilet in the upstairs bathroom, house 2."

"10-4. I'll be right there."

Beautiful.

Chicks and Bikes

2009-06-13T11:45:00.005-06:00

I have always thought it was cool when girls ride motorcycles--even sportbikes. In a couple of years I see myself cruising around the Missouri countryside on my CBR600 with Celeste zipping along behind (or in front) on her own bike. When I have mentioned this to Celeste or my sisters, it has brought up several doubts and concerns regarding women and motorcycles.

So I am seeking some feedback. Thus, the Chicks and Bikes Poll on the right. Take 2 seconds and click your answer(s).

Lost

2009-05-14T08:00:00.006-06:00

Last night was the season finale of Lost. Lost and I have had an erratic relationship. After the first season I vowed never to watch it again. I was sucked back in.

Why I Hate It

After every episode during the first season I was left saying, "What the...?" Everything was built up to the final episode when so many questions would finally be answered. As the final episode drew nearer and nearer to a close, I realized that NO questions would be answered. In fact, MORE questions were raised. When the final episode left me saying the most bewildered "What the...?" of all, I was furious. What a waste of my time! I will never watch that stupid show again!

Why I Love It

With nothing else on TV but reality TV garbage, cop/lawyer/medical dramas, and comedies that don't tickle my funny, I was left with one alternative--Lost. And so I hung in there, season after season, until the mysteries of the island finally began to be answered. And honestly, the long wait made the answers more gratifying.

Lost isn't your typical drama. It's intelligent and inventive. I can usually predict what will happen in other TV shows (who is the last person you'd think would do it--that's who did it [Nina]), but Lost keeps breaking the rules. (Although, I did guess correctly what was in the box last night because I am a super genius.) The cliches that plague other dramas are absent in Lost. The characters are all crappy people (con-men, murderers, drug addicts) but they are deep and sophisticated. And the show is set in a different world, not the same world we are trying to take a break from when we watch TV. And the mark of a good drama is that it makes you say, "Whoah!" a lot, right? Last night there were about five good "Whoah!"s.

So if you want a creative, intelligent alternative to the moronic medical dramas and reality contest shows, catch up on Lost before the final season. This show isn't for casual, mindless TV watchers. It's for people who demand that a little bit of thought go into their entertainment.

Personality

2009-05-11T13:30:00.013-06:00

In my opinion, the best sports announcers are the ones that DON'T leave an impression on you. You should remember the game, not the announcer. Here are a few announcers that have left an impression on me.

John Madden -- I think I've whined about him enough that most peope who know me know that I'm not a fan of John Madden, a.k.a. Captain Obvious.

"Now, what you gotta do is put more points on the board than the other guy. And the way you do that is BOOM! put it in the endzone!"

Bill Walton -- My least favorite announcer of all time is, hands down, Bill Walton. Every word that goober utters is like another tap on the hammer driving a nail into my brain. My IQ has temporarily fallen each time I've watched a game he's announced.

Dick Vitale -- I actually don't mind Dickie V, baby. At least he's enthusiastic about his work. It would sure get exhausting listening to him for more than a few hours a season, though.

Charles Barkley -- Believe it or not, I actually like Sir Charles. He doesn't take himself too seriously (in contrast to Bill Walton). Every now and then he says something pretty funny.

"Yao Ming makes Sean Bradley look like Bill Russell."

"I love Sam Cassell. He's a great guy. But he does look like E.T."

For more quotes, go to http://barkleyquotes.blogspot.com/

Terry Bradshaw -- I wonder how much this guy gets paid to dress up in a suit and act like the court jester for pregame shows. He is not a smart man. But I don't hate him (in contrast to Bill Walton).

And I'm a Smart Aleck

2009-04-30T00:11:00.007-06:00

I'm getting really sick of that smug little punk Mac on the commercials. I wish PC would just wheel around and kick that little wisenheimer where the sun don't shine.

I'm not weighing in on the whole Mac vs. PC argument. I just hate the snotty Mac character, that's all.

Sports on TV

2009-04-29T00:46:00.006-06:00

I love to watch sports. Like most American men (at least the ones that produce testosterone), I enjoy a good football game. And during March, April, and May I love basketball. But I think that Americans are wasting too much time watching some boring sports when they could be thrilled by some amazing sports. And yes, I'm going to name names (of the sports, that is).

Most Overrated TV Sports

1) Golf -- Is this even a sport? And what could possess a man to sit on his couch for hours watching guys in slacks walk around on a lawn?

2) Bowling -- Bowling is #2 only because fewer people watch it then golf. There is even less honor in watching bowling then there is in watching golf.

3) Baseball -- Now I'm really making some enemies. But you have to admit that baseball is sloooooooow. Fun to play, but to watch? Yawn. Especially with 5,000,000 games a season. I have enjoyed some thrilling moments in the playoffs. But are a few thrilling moments worth the agonizing hours of watching one guy after the next stand there tapping dirt out of his cleats and adjusting his cup?

4) Poker -- Now I know poker is not a sport. I also know that it will put me to sleep faster than propofol.

5) Nascar -- Round and round they go. Vrooooooom! Where's the remote?

6) Fishing -- Again I'm forced to ask... Is this really a sport? I submit that it is NOT! And again, the low ranking is because I don't think anyone actually watches fishing. Fun to do, not to watch.

Most Underrated TV Sports

1) Soccer -- What is wrong with Americans that we don't appreciate the most popular sport in the world? If you can't enjoy a good futbol match, it's because you're ignorant. It is the most beautiful game in the world (besides women's tennis). Learn it.

2) Rugby -- Have you ever actually watched a rugby game? Non-stop action! These guys are bad to the bone--especially the little guys that get in there and mix it up with the monsters. The play's not over after they get crushed like it is in football. And they do it without pads.

3) Hockey -- From puck-handling finesse to hair-raising slap shots to teeth-rattling hits to fighting, hockey is the complete package.

Kudos to Miss California

2009-04-22T21:13:00.006-06:00

The reported front-runner for the Miss America pageant recieved her question from a "celebrity judge" called Perez Hilton. Mr. Hilton (I don't know his real name) asked Miss California whether she believed that other states should follow Vermont's example in legalizing gay marriage.

The question was obviously meant to catch Miss California in a situation in which she felt pressured, perhaps even obligated, to give a politically correct answer. Perez Hilton would be a hero among "gay rights" activists when he steered the future Miss America into striking a blow for same-sex marriage.

Imagine his suprise when Miss California stepped courageously up to the microphone and stated that she believes marriage is between a man and a woman!

Of course poor Perez was furious. He uploaded a video of his own tirade against Miss California in which he childishly called her names and stated that if she had won he would have climbed up on stage and taken away her tiara. Although in reality he was upset because his plot was foiled, he stated that he was upset because Miss America is supposed to unify Americans and because Miss America shouldn't be about politics and religion.

Mr. Hilton... my rebuttal:

1) I would have loved to see you try to get on stage and take her tiara. If the security guards didn't get you, Miss California would not have had much trouble disposing of you herself.

2) If you don't think the Miss America pageant should involve politics and religion, WHY DID YOU ASK THE QUESTION?

3) Once you've asked the question, don't you think the contestants should give sincere answers? Don't criticize her for being honest!

4) How is saying that states should be allowed to make their own decisions about gay marriage supposed to unify Americans? Half of the country strongly disagrees! You ask a question about a heated and controversial topic and you're going to get a controversial, divisive answer. You know what you were doing. I'm sure your blog is getting lots of extra hits and you are making lots of extra money and finding a larger audience for your ignorant ravings.

5) Look at her...

Now look at you...

Emphasis on the -Fi

2009-04-19T14:41:00.008-06:00

I took a break from real life yesterday and watched some Star Wars. Don't get me wrong, I like Star Wars. As a kid I was even a little bit obsessed with Star Wars. But I realized yesterday that it just doesn't hold the magic it once did.

I also noticed that George Lucas should have hired a physicist to consult during the writing and filming of all 6 episodes.

Here are some things that bug me about Star Wars.

Sound in Space -- You wouldn't really be able to hear the screeching whoosh of TIE fighters and the blast of laser cannons. Sound travels through matter, not empty space.

Walking Around on an Asteroid -- Han Solo, Leia, and Chewbacca all grab oxygen masks and walk around in a cave (which *spoiler alert* turns out to be a creature) on an asteroid. Are you telling me that there is enough atmosphere on that asteroid to provide the warmth and air pressure they need to survive? I also noticed that the gravity seems pretty strong for an asteroid that size.

Buzz Droids and Wind Resistance -- R2 (R4?) finally vanquishes the buzz droid on Obi Wan's ship. The buzz droid falls and is swept off the wing as if some force was pushing it backwards. Even if it slipped off the ship, wouldn't its momentum carry it alongside the ship in the absence of atmosphere?

Darth Vader's Skill with the Blade -- The Jedi and Sith in the first 3 episodes are incredible swordsmen. They hop around like superninjas. Suddenly, in Episode 4, Obi Wan and Darth Vader seem pretty rusty.

0.5 Past Lightspeed -- Han brags about his ship, stating that it can do 0.5 past lightspeed. Then they make the jump to lightspeed and stars start streaking by. I don't know how it is in that galaxy far, far away, but here the closest star would take almost 3 years to reach at 1.5 times the speed of light.

Samuel L. Jackson -- Samuel L. Jackson

Jar Jar Binks -- Jar Jar Binks

Stormbloopers -- Stormtroopers are the quintessential action movie bad guys. They are total idiots and terrible shots. They shoot at our heroes all day and hit nothing. Then Princess Leia whips around and cracks off a running hip shot that nails a stormtrooper square in the chest. And what is that ridiculous armor for, anyway? They can't run very well, and it doesn't protect them. Lazers go right through it. Ewoks take them out with blunt arrows and stone hatchets, for crying out loud!

Anakin and Padme (the Actors) -- Say what you will about the dialogue. (How do you say, "Traveling through hyperspace ain't like dusting crops, boy! Without precise calculations we could fly right through a star, or bounce too close to a supernova and that'd end your trip real quick, wouldn't it?" without laughing?) I know it's got to be tough to work with, but Harrison Ford, Mark Hamil, and Carey Fisher pulled it off. These new guys were terrible. In a monotone voice he says, "If you are suffering as much as I am, please tell me."

Oh, Snap!

2009-04-12T12:12:00.002-06:00

I heard a great summary of the events leading up to our current economic crisis at stake conference today. This is a paraphrase of a paraphrase, but the essential points are intact.

We are in the situation we're in today because too many people borrowed money they didn't have to buy things they didn't need to impress people they didn't like.

Amen.

Rebel

2009-03-16T16:17:00.003-06:00

Why is it that at times I am drawn to people who don't give a @%&# and at other times I can't stand them. There is something attractive about a rebel--someone who ignores convention and does his own thing. At the same time, people who don't play by the rules are often a source of misery.

I don't think there would be anything attractive about rebels if they didn't have some admirable qualities: creative, whitty, innovative, confident, strong-willed, humorous. They often take a different look at society and offer a fresh perspective.

Unfortunately, rebellious characters are also: apathetic, selfish, manipulative, dishonest, careless.

If only we could emulate the admirable qualities without picking up the bad.

I am... The Oprah!

2009-03-12T17:25:00.003-06:00

I keep seeing the following ad:

Oprah's 1 Flat Stomach Rule: Obey...

Oprah's flat stomach? That's like saying "Snoop Dogg's secret to quitting weed."

Just more evidence that women will do anything Oprah says.

Hoops

2009-03-06T07:25:00.003-07:00

I hate hoops. I hated being bored out of my mind in a high school classroom just so they'd give me a piece of paper to turn in with my college application. I hated memorizing that CH3CH2OH, in a SOCl2 or pyridine solution, becomes CH3CH2Cl along with a thousand other equations that would have no application in my career or life.

The latest hoop?

Well, the latest hoop I didn't even know I was supposed to jump through. Apparently, when we bought our home we were supposed to sign a paper that we were never told about. Because we didn't sign this paper that we didn't know about, our property tax went up 1000%.

1000%!!!

That's over $200 per month. Because we missed a hoop. This is one example of how ridiculous the government is. Beaurocracy is a word that has come to mean "taking all common sense out of interpersonal relationships." Well, guess what. The government is growing and beaurocracy is about to take over. Everything is about to get less efficient, more expensive, and more frustrating.

We're going to be so busy jumping through hoops that we won't get anything done.

Modern Gladiators

2009-03-04T17:43:00.005-07:00

Looking back at the ancient Roman arena and the atrocities commited therein, most of us are appalled. Slaves, criminals, and professionals fought one another, often to the death, for the entertainment of spectators. We regard the patrons of the arena and their blood-lust with contempt and disgust.

There is much to be admired about gladiator combat. It could be argued to be the pinnacle of competition--win or die. Many of the gladiators were highly skilled in their craft. They must have been terrific athletes. Not all of them fought against their will, and some of them became successful celebrities. They were known to demonstrate extreme courage. Cicero said, "...when do you ever see one twist his neck away after he has been ordered to extend it for the death blow?"

Does the fact that the arena put some admirable qualities on display make it a virtuous activity?

Human nature has not changed. Our thirst for contention and destruction has not been assuaged. Rather than indulging in physical violence, we revel in emotional and psychological combat.

I'm talking, of course, about the abomination known as reality television.

We delight in the tears of contestants on the Bachelor(ette).

We are thrilled by the arguing and backstabbing that takes place on the Apprentice.

We laugh at cat fights between disturbed and egotistical women on America's Next Top Model.

We love to hate the jerk who constantly ridicules and criticizes his substitute wife on Wife Swap.

And who gets sucked into American Idol by the winners? We get sucked in by the losers--the people who make fools of themselves. (And by "we" I mean our culture because I have never been sucked into that lame show.)

Okay, so reality TV isn't as bad as watching men kill each other for the fun of it, but it's the same principle and I really hate reality TV.

Homestead

2009-02-28T09:26:00.007-07:00

I found this 17 acre property north of Marshall, MO and the wheels started to turn. (Daydreaming keeps me going.) On the property is a 6 acre lake--about the size of 4 and 1/2 football fields. The property already has water and electricity. So we get 3 or 4 families together and purchase the land. We each build a house on different sides of the lake (privacy you know). Then we build a sweet lakeside clubhouse.

The Clubhouse: By combining the earning potential of 4 families, we could build an awesome clubhouse. A large 2nd story deck would overhang the lake. It would have patio furniture and a BBQ. Inside, the 2nd floor would have two large rooms. One would be a theater with a projector, powerful surround sound, and plenty of seating. Two other large flat screens would be mounted kitty corner to the projector screen. We could watch several games at a time during the World Cup, March Madness, the NBA playoffs, etc. They would, of course, be connected to X-Box 360s and PCs (all networked together with additional ports for laptops if we have more players). All the hardware would be neatly hidden in cabinets until it came time to play the newest Call of Duty or Warcraft game. Next to the theater would be a game room with a pool table, foosball, ping-pong, board game/card game table, and whatever else. Downstairs we would have a kitchen with a large eating area for get-togethers. There would also be a gym for getting pumped up, and a bathroom/changing room. Underneath the deck would be a dock.

The Sports Complex: Just outside the clubhouse we would have our basketball court, volleyball net, and soccer/football field. Lightpoles on the clubhouse would provide lighting for those summer midnight games. The deck would provide a good view of the action for spectators.

The Lake: I don't think 6 acres is big enough for water skiing, but it ought to be big enough for waverunners. This particular lake is full of blue gill and bass. And in the fall it is full of ducks. We'll put up rope swings and maybe even install a diving board. If you need to get your water skiing fix, there are tons of large lakes nearby.

The Land: Please refer to my Backyard post.

The Area: 1/2 mile from the Missouri River, just north of Van Meter State Park, and close to the Grand Pass Wildlife Area. It's also just over an hour from Kansas City (home of the Chiefs, a temple, and all the culture and shopping you ladies could want) and less than an hour from Columbia (home of the University of Missouri and plenty of culture and shopping).

The Houses: Build whatever you want. I don't care. As for our house, I'll leave that up to the wife.

The Windmill, Well, and Solar Panels: I'm sick of paying monthly utility bills. We'll share a well and build a windmill out in the forest. Then I'll put those new, cheap solar panels on my roof.

Make your reservations now!

Lorenzo v. 2.0 and 3.0

2009-02-16T13:49:00.004-07:00

Don't worry. I'm not turning this into one of those family blogs. (Not that there's anything wrong with that...) But as a proud, new father, I can't help but introduce you to my son, Lorenzo the Third. I'd publish a picture of his mother, but after 10.5 hours of labor and 1.5 hours of giving it everything she had, she forbade it.

Cupid's Sense of Humor

2009-02-10T22:15:00.005-07:00

Cupid, the Roman god of erotic love and beauty, wasn't always a pudgy baby. He started out as the Greek sex symbol, Eros. Eros actually had two different types of arrows. The first type was the one we're all familiar with--the type that made you fall in love. The second type, however, made you hate the first person you saw.

The fact that Cupid has a sense of humor is made evident by the story in which he shoots the god Apollo with a love arrow so he falls head over heels in love with a nymph. Cupid then shoots the nymph with a hate arrow. So lovesick Apollo chases the nymph around in a scene straight from a Pepe le Pew cartoon.

Another proof of Cupid's sense of humor is tiny men who marry giant women and then try to put their arms around them at church.

Valentine's Day

2009-02-09T21:44:00.005-07:00

The mention of Valentine's Day conjures up images of heart-shaped boxes of chocolate, roses, and flying infants with bows. It didn't start out that way.

Some historians claim that Valentine's Day is the Catholic church's attempt to reform a pagan holiday into something more Christian. (They say that about every holiday.) According to them, Valentine's Day was meant to replace the Roman festival of Lupercalia. Lupercalia was apparently quite the party. Dogs and goats were sacrificed and their skin and blood used to make soggy whips. The Roman men then ran naked through the streets flogging the women to make them fertile. (I'm sure a lot of children were born about 9 months later, but I doubt it was the dog/goat whips.)

Well, those uptight conservative Christians had to rain on their parade and outlaw Lupercalia. In its stead Valentine's Day was instituted in memorium to one of their Catholic saints. (Sorry you can't have your big bash. Let us make it up to you with extra church.)

St. Valentine was a priest who disobeyed the Roman emperor by performing marriages for young men. The emperor didn't want a band of whipped, home-sick ladies' men fighting his battles. He was in need of fighters--not lovers. So he outlawed marriage for young men. When he found out Valentine was screwing with his agenda, he sentenced him to death. Valentine fell in love with the jailor's daughter (vow of celibacy?) while on death row, and being a hopeless romantic (very hopeless) he passed her the very first "Valentine."

I guess a few years later, while the Pope was looking for a replacement for Lupercalia, Valentine's story landed on his desk. He happened to be in a meeting with the CEO of Hallmark, his friend Hersheysio, and the president of the Rose Gardener's Guild.

"That works," said the Pope. "Go with it."

And so Valentine's Day was born.

All Natural

2009-02-06T12:40:00.005-07:00

What is the appeal of "all natural" products? Why do people automatically think that something is better for you if it is "all natural"? Why do people refuse medications and vaccines because they are synthetic, yet put full trust in all-natural remedies?

Yes, Mother Nature made some great stuff. Fruits, vegetables, herbs, fish, etc. You know what else Mother Nature made? Tetanus, botulism, cobra venom, arsenic...

If I bottle some dirt, call it "Regolith," tell you it "has been used by the aboriginal tribes of the Amazon rainforest to help prevent cancer," and slap an "ALL NATURAL!" label on the bottle, I guarantee people would buy it. For the next 20 years, most of them wouldn't get cancer. They'd tell you all about how wonderful Regolith is and how well it staves off cancer. Don't worry about getting that Pap smear, mammogram, or colonoscopy! You're fighting off cancer with natural minerals!

Does bottled mountain spring water have a different chemical formula than the water I get from my kitchen sink? It's all H20. And Arrowhead isn't "all natural." You know why I don't drink "all natural" water? Giardia. Blow-out diarrhea. I prefer good old artificially cleansed water, thank you very much.

One of my favorite "all natural" peddlers is Kevin Trudeau. If you have spent any time channel surfing late at night you have seen infomercials for his book, "Natural Cures 'They' Don't Want You to Know About." He tells you that the FDA and the drug companies are involved in a huge conspiracy. Supposedly, they want to keep everyone sick so they can keep making a fortune selling their drugs. Millions of suckers have bought this hogwash. I've personally argued with co-workers who were completely convinced. Well, watch this video.

The medical community isn't perfect but, like it or not, it's the best we've got.

All Dressed Up

2009-02-03T17:25:00.002-07:00

I wonder if these guys ever have dreams that they forgot to put their gourds on before going to work.

Backyard

2009-01-23T11:31:00.003-07:00

If I was a millionaire, I'd buy about 100 acres of forested land and build a SWEET backyard! The backyard visible from our beautiful house would be classy and traditional. But hidden behind the trees... Here's what you'd find:

1. Swiss Family Robinson Treehouse. It would have at least 3 different sections with a tower that protruded from the forest canopy and had a view of the entire 100 acres. It would also have a zip line. The walls would have loop holes so we could defend the treehouse in paintball battles.

2. Go-Kart Track. I'd have at least 4 go-karts that we could race around the track. It would be an off-road track, with natural obstacles, about a quarter mile long, that wound through the forest. Spectators could make themselves comfortable in the treehouse with lawn chairs and an ice chest. I wish I could figure out a way to fire red turtle shells at each other. I'm a gonna win!

3. Basketball Court. It would be a pretty standard outdoor court for the most part. Concrete floor, painted lines, and a chain link fence so we don't have to chase the ball everywhere. But the backboards would be nice, glass backboards with break-away rims that you can crank up and down to the preferred height. (I'm too old to dunk on 10-foot rims anymore.) I'd also have stadium lighting so we could play as late as we wanted.

4. Life-Size Chess Board. Maybe I'd put it under the treehouse so we could get a good view of the board from above.

5. Paintball Battlefield. Plywood buildings would form an urban setting while trenches, bunkers, and the forest would provide variety. I'd make a teepee out of paintball netting that we could set up where ever we wanted. Spectators could sit right in the middle of the battle sipping on ice cold lemonade without fear of being hit by paintballs. The treehouse could be defended. Assaults could be launched from speeding go-karts. I'm getting goosebumps.

6. Soccer/Football Field. Away from the mayhem of the paintball field, I'd have a pristine grass field with soccer goals. We might put up a short fence with a backstop behind the goals to keep from having to chase the ball all the time. Like the basketball court, it would have stadium lighting so we could play after dark. In fact, we might put it right next to the basketball court to form a sports complex.

7. Shooting Range. I'd just clear an alley in the trees about 200 yards long. Then I'd put up targets depending on whether we were shooting rifles, pistols, shotguns, or bows.

8. Swimming Pool. The swimming pool can actually be placed in the traditional backyard behind the house. It will have a deep end with a diving board but, more importantly, it will have a shallow end with basketball goals on each side. About 4 feet deep all the way across. We'll paint three-point lines on the floor of the pool. We'll keep an ice chest handy for injuries. No Lifeguard on Duty.

9. Bonfire Pit. Why not?

10. Mud Field. Snow football is great when the stars align to give me a snowy field and enough players for a game. But with a hose and a plow, I can simulate the snowy field. Year-round snow football! You can keep a change of clothes in the mud room behind the house.

Okay, that's enough for now. But the wheels are still turning. Ideas?

Merck's "Essay on Flatulence"

2009-01-16T14:03:00.010-07:00

Today I was reviewing gastrointestinal disorders in the Merck Manual like a good, little PA student. I came across a little gem that I couldn't resist sharing with all of you. It's called:

Essay on Flatulence

Flatulence, which can cause great psychosocial distress, is unofficially described according to its salient characteristics: [1] the "slider" [crowded elevator type], which is released slowly and noiselessly, sometimes with devastating effect; [2] the open sphincter, or "pooh" type, which is said to be of higher temperature and more aromatic; [3] the staccato or drumbeat type, pleasantly passed in privacy; and [4] the "bark" type [described in a personal communication] is characterized by a sharp exclamatory eruption that effectively interrupts [and often concludes] conversation. Aromaticity is not a prominent feature. Rarely, this usually distressing symptom has been turned to advantage, as with a Frenchman referred to as "Le Petomane," who became affluent as an effluent performer who played tunes with the gas from his rectum on the Moulin Rouge stage.

-The Merck Manual of Diagnosis and Therapy, 18th ed. Mark H. Beers, MD, Robert S. Porter, MD, eds. Whitehouse Station, NJ: Merck Research Labs, 2006, sidebar 1, p 81.

Had I been consulted by the editors, I may have added the "squeaker" and the "shart."

Bauer is Back!

2009-01-13T22:51:00.007-07:00

After a disappointing Season 6, stupid Audrey Raines is where she belongs (on some lame, girly show that oozes so much estrogen your TV will grow breasts) and Jack is back in business. The Jack Bauer Hour of Power has returned! This will undoubtedly renew the 8-year old question: Could Jack Bauer beat up Chuck Norris?

This question belongs in a family of similar nerdy questions, none of which could I resist weighing in on.

1. Who would win in a fight: Jack Bauer or Chuck Norris?

My answer: Are you kidding me? Didn't you know that Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas to bed? Run, Chuck, run! The only reason you're still concious is because Jack doesn't feel like carrying you.

Nerds' answer: "Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.' Why? Because he's a pussy." --Socrates (I don't know why they attributed this "quote" to Socrates.)

2. Who would win in a fight: Captain Kirk or Captain Picard?

My answer: Did you say fight or talking contest? I think you said fight. 'Cuz if you said talking contest Picard would win hands down. That's all he does. Now if you want the job done, call up James T. Kirk. Captain Picard would start negotiating and before he got two words out Captain Kirk would pummel him with that sweet two-fisted strike to the gut.

Nerds' answer: Three words...flying leg kick.

3. Who would win in a fight: Marvel characters or DC characters?

My answer: Who gives a #*$@?

Nerds' answer: Marvel has led the way as of late in media outside of comics. That may be about to change though. We very well could be on the edge of a new frontier. (Exciting, hah?)

4. Who would win in a fight: the Alien or the Predator?

My answer: I don't think I made it to the end of that lame movie to find out.

Nerds' answer: Tie. As the Predators retreat into space, a chestburster erupts from the dead Predator. It appears to be an Alien/Predator hybrid with the characteristic mandibles of both creatures.

5. Who would win in a fight: Ditka or a hurricane?

My answer: Depends. Is the hurricane's name Ditka?

Nerds' answer: Depends. Is the hurricane's name Ditka?

M - I - S - S - I - S - S - I - P - P - I

2009-01-07T09:59:00.003-07:00

I came across an article that pointed out that Mississippi has the worst teen pregnancy rate in the nation.

"Funny," I thought. "Didn't I just read about Mississippi being the worst at something else, too?"

So I googled "Mississippi ranks" and this is what I found.

Mississippi ranks:

#1 Teen Pregnancies

#1 Obesity

#1 Hypertension

#1 Infant Mortality

#1 Gonorrhea

#2 Chlamydia

#2 Type 2 Diabetes

#49 Overall Health

#50 Child Well-Being Statistics

#1 Poverty

#2 Unemployment

#50 Per-Capita Income

#50 ACT Scores

#50 Bachelor's Degrees

#1 Government Corruption

...and that's where I quit.

Does anybody know a good antonym for "annex"? Because I think it's time we anti-annexed Mississippi. And then we need to put up a very sturdy border fence.

R.I.P. Xbox 360

2008-12-16T22:39:00.002-07:00

I regret to inform you of the passing of a dear, dear loved one, my Xbox 360. The Xbox spent his entire life making others happy, and found his greatest joy in entertaining those whom he loved. He leaves behind 4 wireless controllers, 8 games, and 5 months worth of Xbox Live subscription. Cause of death is unknown as I found him with the red ring of death, indicating a hardware failure, after letting my little brother use him. Xbox 360, I'll never forget you.

Exclusive Insurance Company

2008-12-14T07:45:00.004-07:00

Why am I paying for this guy's healthcare? Why am I paying for his liver transplant? Why am I paying for his Combivent and Advair? His lab work and innumerable chest X-rays, CT scans, cardiac stress tests, EKGs, etc?

Why does he pay the same insurance premiums that I pay? Or less since he qualified for "disability" because he won't get an education and won't do manual labor anymore because his back hurts.

It's time for the responsible members of our society to band together and institute our own insurance company. Yes, we pay taxes so we'll always be paying that guy's bills. But why should we have to pay outrageous insurance premiums on top of it?

My insurance program would be exclusive. No smokers, heavy drinkers, or obese. Blood positive for nicotine? You're out. Arrested for DUI or hospitalized with EtOH level over 400? You're out. Urine toxicology screen positive for opiates, THC, stimulants, etc and you don't have a matching prescription? You're out. Body mass index over 29? You're out. Over the age of 80 and you want an organ transplant? Sorry. Brain dead but the family wants to keep your corpse breathing? You're out. You went to the ER for a rash that's been present for 2 months? You're out. You shoved what up where? You're out. You contracted 3 STDs in the past 6 months? You're out.

I'm not advocating that we stop taking care of the irresponsible. The new administration already has big plans for that. I'm saying that those of us who take care of ourselves ought to get a break on insurance premiums.

The problem, of course, is enforcing the qualification standards. How do we know that they're not smoking or binging and that they're maintaining a healthy body weight? Whenever they receive care worth more than $300, they have to give up a urine sample and have their height and weight reported. If nicotine or other drugs are found in the urine or if their BMI exceeds 30, the insurance company is released from any obligation to pay for their care. Clients would also agree to release their medical records to the insurance company. It sounds a little bit intrusive, but so is everything else in medicine. (Ever heard of a Foley catheter?) And if you're someone we want in our insurance program, what have you got to hide?

People are going to say that this is discrimination. Discrimination against smokers. Discrimination against fat people. That's like saying it's discrimination against criminals to lock them up. When you eat up my healthcare dollars by not taking care of yourself, you are infringing on my rights to liberty from outrageous healthcare costs and the pursuit of happiness!

Will someone who is business savvy please get the ball rolling? Thanks.

Replace the Boy Nerds of America With Mighty Men!

2008-12-07T21:07:00.010-07:00

The young men's program in the LDS church is the Boy Scouts of America. You may be surprised, as I was, that Boy Scouts used to be cool--in the 30's. Well, it's not anymore. And that's coming from an Eagle scout. Let me tell you about my scouting experience. I sat in a hard, orange chair, half asleep, listening to a guy in cowboy boots with an out-of-this-world potbelly chew us out for not working on merit badges. Week in and week out. What happened to taking my hatchet into the woods and canoeing across lakes and surviving in make-shift shelters? We weren't even allowed to touch the hatchet unless we had the tote n' chip card. And then we had to stay outside the roped area until it was our turn to do some supervised chopping.

I expressed my concern to my dad, and he assured me that as soon as he is sustained in General Conference as the young men's president Boy Scouts is getting the boot. In its stead he will institute an as of yet unnamed program. (Proposed names include the Mighty Man Program or the Stripling Warriors.) Here are a few of the activities that will be included in the program.

Weight Lifting and Speed Development

CPR, First Aid, and Basic Life Support Certification

Martial Arts

Survival (Wilderness and Urban)

Electives:

Sport(s) of your choice (football, basketball, soccer, baseball, rugby, etc)

Water Sports (wakeboarding, waterskiing, etc)

Snow Sports (snowboarding, skiing, etc)

Advanced Handgun Course

Precision Rifle Course

Bow Hunting

The idea is to go from this:

to this:

Santa Claus Shmanta Claus

2008-12-07T00:21:00.003-07:00

Top 10 Reasons Santa Claus Should Not Be the Central Figure of Christmas

10. Childhood obesity is one of our nation's most daunting healthcare problems.

9. He whips his reindeer and exploited Rudolph's birth defect.

8. Can you really trust a man with so many aliases?

7. Santa's sleigh would have to weigh 350,000 tons and travel 650 miles per second to deliver toys to all Christian children which would create enough friction to instantly burn him to death and really isn't very good science for our children to be learning.

6. Did anyone else notice, as a child, that Santa always brought the rich kids better toys? Sometimes he even passed the poor kids by!

5. If you switch the "n" and the "t" you get "Satna" and you're only one more letter swap from "Satan."

4. He's obsessed with hos.

3. Elf slavery.

2. Breaking and entering.

1. It's not Clausmas. It's Christmas.

Yeah, Right, Lisa. A Wonderful, Magical Animal.

2008-11-27T09:12:00.004-07:00

Do any of us actually stop and think, before we eat Thanksgiving dinner, that this turkey was once a living, breathing creature? How about before we sink our teeth into that burger? And why is it that some of us find the idea of eating a cow's buttocks so much more appealing than eating its tongue? Why is it okay to eat a slimy fish that you caught at the lake but not a cat?

On a separate topic, I think that the vegan diet is a result of too many city people with nothing to do thinking too much. You would think more exposure to the actual event of killing an animal for food would make people less likely to eat that animal, but farmers don't seem to have any trouble ringing a chicken's neck, ripping out all its guts, pulling off all its feathers, roasting it in an oven, and then savoring every bite. No, I think it's because the ignorant city folk feel betrayed. They grow up with cute stuffed cows, cow decorations, and cow cartoon characters. When it finally dawns on them that they are eating Betsy every time they go to Burger King, they get upset. If they were around the cows like the farmers, ranchers, and dairy workers who slaughter them, they would realize what disgusting and stupid animals they are. Then they would have no objections.

"Liiiisaaa! Don't eeeeat me!"

Mailman Steve

2008-11-19T12:31:00.003-07:00

I propose we build a memorial for "Mailman Steve" Padgett. He's not dead yet, but he's got diabetes and heart disease so we'd better get started.

Mailman Steve worked for the U.S. Postal Service and stopped delivering junk mail in 1999. And guess what... Nobody complained!

Unfortunately, a utility worker (let's lynch him!) turned in our hero. His customers, of course, were not upset with him when they were informed of his "crime." But he was given a $3000 fine, 500 hours of community service, and three years probation.

If everyone who hates junk mail would send Mailman Steve a quarter, we could make him a rich man! Way to go Steve!

Proverbs

2008-11-18T22:07:00.002-07:00

I wish I had the Proverbs from the Bible memorized. There are so many of them that would be perfect to bust out in every day situations. Here are some examples:

You're minding your own business, playing a little Xbox, and your wife won't stop bugging you to take out the trash.

You say, "A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. Proverbs 27:15."

Sister So-and-So's child won't behave in your primary class.

You say, "Sister So-and-So, Withhold not correction from the child; for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell. Proverbs 23:13-14."

You go out with friends and your friend's wife keeps blabbing about shoes or fat-free dressing or you-don't-know-what because you stopped listening.

You say, "A fool uttereth all [her] mind, but a wise [woman] keepeth it in till afterwards. Proverbs 29:11."

Your daughter wants to buy the latest copy of Seventeen magazine with Paris Hilton on the cover.

You say, "A whore is a deep ditch. Proverbs 23:27."

You ask you chemistry student what the atomic number of oxygen is. He says he doesn't know.

You say, "In the lips of him that hath understanding wisdom is found; but a rod for the back of him that is void of understanding. Proverbs 10:13."

Good stuff.

Arrested!

2008-11-16T00:04:00.004-07:00

After doing some hard time in the big house, Jacob is out on bail. While in the slammer he managed not to drop the soap in the shower or get shanked in the yard over a carton of cigs. His only regret is that he wasn't awarded a conjugal visit.

Way to Go New Hampshire!

2008-11-07T09:54:00.002-07:00

Great news! The state of New Hampshire is implementing one of my ideas! (Apparently, it wasn't an original Miles idea.)

Read the sixth proposal in my "Money and Education" entry and then read the following article:

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1857336,00.html?xid=feed-yahoo-full-nation-related

I was so excited that I commented on Yahoo's Buzz feature:

"I absolutely agree with what New Hampshire is doing. Students serious about college are stifled and bored. Students not interested in college are miserable and resentful. Everyone just ends up wasting their time and the school district's resources. This is the kind of innovation our educational system needs!"

Prop 8

2008-11-07T08:09:00.005-07:00

I thought I was done with politics for a while. Truthfully, I'm tired of politics. It felt good to do a blog about Snow Football Day. But the protests in California, especially in front of the temple, have been thought provoking and I can't help but share my feelings on the subject.

What is the push behind the legalization of gay marriage in California? Will they be awarded additional legal benefits? Homosexual couples in a "domestic relationship" in California are already given practically every benefit and privilege awarded to heterosexual married couples. Or is it a civil rights question? The battlecry is "equality." They say they want the American people, including the LDS church, to confirm that they are equal. Equal as people? Equal in worth?

The LDS church, the gay and lesbian community's new favorite target, has repeatedly stated its position that homosexuals are of equal worth--that the church reaches out to them and its members regard them as their brothers and sisters. But homosexuals want the American people to confirm the principle that their relationships are equal to that which is had between a man and a woman bound in holy matrimony. This we cannot do. It is not hatred or bigotry. It is simply stating our belief that marriage is a sacred institution and that a homosexual relationship is not that sacred institution!

It is not a fundamental right to "marry whoever I want." Heterosexuals don't have that right either! If I wanted to marry anyone or anything besides an adult woman not too closely related to me, do you think the government would recognize that union? Do you think the church would champion my cause? Marriage is not simply an expression of love. LDS church members believe it has an Eternal purpose. And whether you call it a marriage or not, a homosexual union will never fulfil that purpose.

To ask members of the church to deny that is to ask us to deny our beliefs. Do they think that I would go to church if I didn't believe what is being taught? Is it some kind of social club? No! It's hard work! It requires sacrifice!

As far as the "seperation of church and state" issue goes... I don't care what kind of legislation is in question, if you are going to make a decision to support it or oppose it you will make that decision based on what you believe is right. If some Americans actually believe in religion, church will affect what they believe and church will always have an effect on government issues. As long as religion exists, the two are inseperable.

Snow Football!!!

2008-11-06T21:18:00.004-07:00

There is no annual event that I anticipate with more excitement than snow football. Better than the 4th of July, better than Thanksgiving, better than Christmas. Snow football day is the highlight of the year. (I guess it'll be pretty cool when my child is born, but that's not until February.)

On Snow Football Day (yes, I've decided to capitalize it) I get to be Steve Young, Jerry Rice, Lawrence Taylor and Barry Sanders all rolled into one. It is my Superbowl. I will throw touchdown passes while absorbing big hits from sisters-in-law, I will juke and stiff arm little sisters and leave them in a flurry of white powder, I will tackle brothers with bone-jarring hits, I will throw decleating blocks to break long runs for nieces, I will stuff rushing friends to complete magnificent goal line stands and, if he has the courage to show up, I will sack my dad when he tries to sit in the pocket too long.

Then I will go inside and have some hot chocolate.

So if you're going to be within driving distance of Utah valley around Christmas, keep your cleats with you and your eyes on the weather. Here's a little video to get you all as pumped up as I am.

Football - Sportscenter - Sportscenter Nfl S Greatest Hits - The funniest videos are a click away

President Elect

2008-11-05T07:45:00.003-07:00

I do not agree with the political philosophies and policies of our new president elect, Barack Obama. I do not agree with penalizing success. I do not agree with forcing American citizens to share their wealth (thereby robbing the rich of the chance to part with it freely and the poor of gratitude). I do not agree with expanding government involvement in every aspect of our lives (meddling in education, healthcare, and business will only make things more inefficient, complicate our lives, and provide more opportunity for corruption). I do not agree that legal abortion is in the best interest of American women.

That being said, I think that the United States had some victories last night. The fact that the American people chose a black man to serve in its highest political office is evidence that we have, for the most part, overcome a terrible part of our past. (If nothing else, it means that we won't have to hear as much spew from Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.) I hope that the election of a black president by a white majority will help heal the relationship between white Americans and Americans of other races.

I also believe that appointing Barack Obama to serve as president will instantaneously improve damaged relationships with foreign powers. He has not been painted as an imperialist or a warmonger by the foreign media. He is eloquent and carries himself with dignity (although he needs a sense of humor).

So, although he won't be taking the country in the direction I would have liked, I will audaciously hope that he takes it in a good direction. It will be interesting to see what he is able to accomplish in the next four years and whether he is still as popular as he is now.

Money and Education

2008-11-02T08:25:00.008-07:00

Americans spend $8,000 every year on each student in grades K-12. The median salary for an American worker is $40,000. So if you're making the median salary, have two kids, and are pulling your own weight, 40% of your salary goes to your kids' education! Three kids? 60%! In other words, Americans are getting an incredible bargain from the government when it comes to education. And the government is not getting a return on its investment. Only 18-30% of 4th graders are "proficient" in reading, math, science, and history. (And from my experience, it doesn't take much to be proficient.)

So what do Americans call for? "We must spend more money on education!"

Is a lack of funding the problem? Despite per-pupil expenditures well above average, American pupils score well below average on international assessments. So, obviously, money is not the problem. If I were to reform the education system, I would spend less, not more. I would cut wasteful spending and pay teachers more. Here are some ideas.

1. Textbooks. Why do we buy new textbooks every few years? Has algebra changed in the past few centuries? Physical science? English? Basic chemistry? Newtonian physics? No! So why are we paying top dollar for new textbooks every few years? The most expensive part of buying any book is intellectual property--nifty designs, pictures, the wording the author used to describe a principle. So let's stop paying textbook publishers to rearrange the design in their books. How about publishers that recycle textbooks? Have the schools send their old books in, recycle the paper, and reprint the same book.

2. Base teacher salary on performance. We need to start treating the teacher position as what it is--a job. In the real world, supervisors observe their employees and the results of their labor and give them raises accordingly. For some reason we give teachers raises based on how old they are instead of how good they are at teaching. I do not think teachers should get paid based on how well their students do on standardized tests. (They can't help it if the student is completely unmotivated and has no support at home.) But let's start trusting principals to gauge the worth of their employees as we trust supervisors in the private sector.

3. Reduce cost of "free or discounted lunches." About 20% of students in Idaho are now on this program. Free and discounted lunches are paid for by the USDA and students who actually pay for their own lunches. "Oh, you're going to pay for your own lunch? Well, then you're going to pay for that kid's lunch, too." No way! From now on, if you don't pay for your kid's lunch they're getting gruel. What the #&@! are you using your food stamps for? Oh, you're not on food stamps? Then buy your kids some food! It's called a "sack lunch!"

4. Open Office. School districts that use the program Open Office instead of Microsoft Office save hundreds of thousands of dollars every few years. Teachers can also find a wealth of free resources online instead of ordering expensive programs, images, and animations from software companies.

5. Have the students clean up. Look at other countries that perform better than the United States in education. They make the students clean the school every day before they dismiss. Not only would the school districts save money, but the students would take better care of the school.

6. Provide alternatives for unmotivated students. How many students refuse to perform well in school because they don't see the point? Why do we force them to learn things they know full well they will never use in their lives? We make them sit in the classroom wasting everyone's time with disciplinary problems and using up resources. If they know they're going to mechanic school, let them go! As soon as they can read and write, perform simple arithmetic, and know their rights and responsibilities as a citizen let them go to mechanic school! That's more than schools are accomplishing now with a lot of kids and it would provide motivation to learn. "As soon as you learn this you can go."

7. Streamline higher education. I don't want to get rid of the great universities that dot our nation. But I'd like to provide cheaper alternatives. Let's have colleges that are good at one thing--training people for employment. No gymnasium, no student center, no sports, no landscaping, no band...nothing that isn't necessary for education. Hire professors that are there to teach rather than to do research.

Barack Hood or Robbin' Obama?

2008-10-28T17:32:00.008-06:00

Obama is planning to rob from the rich and give to the poor. Is he a hero or a villain?

I guess we'll find out over the next four years.

From what I have seen, he's planning on implementing policies that penalize hard work and responsibility. For example, if everyone "regardless of their health status or history" has access to health insurance with so-called "fair and stable premiums," that means those of us who exercise regularly, seek out preventative care, avoid risky behavior, and abstain from smoking or drinking will pay higher premiums to pay for the extremely expensive healthcare of those who...don't. Either that or we'll pay higher taxes so the government can pay those premiums. So far, not very heroic.

Over-Protective Mothers

2008-10-23T15:40:00.003-06:00

I have met a lot of fat, little boys (we'll call them fattle boys) with over-protective mothers.

"Oh, Tommy, stay indoors. You'll catch a cold."

"Oh, Julian, football is too dangerous."

"No BB guns. You'll shoot your eye out."

"I don't want you rough-housing with those boys."

Anything healthy and active that little boys enjoy doing seems like a bad idea to protective mothers. If wrestling, contact sports, snowball fights, BB guns, exploring, playing outside in the rain, and every other activity is banned, the boy turns into a sedentery wuss! And he's all set up to get eaten alive by his peers as soon as he's out of mommy's sight.

What are you worried about, overprotective mothers? A broken bone? A cold? Then let me pose the question: Which is more devastating: broken bones and colds (which are actually not caused by being exposed to the cold) or cardiovascular disease and psychiatric problems?

So, for Heaven's sake, let your boys go outside and rough house!

If I Was President...

2008-10-19T15:18:00.005-06:00

I have grown frustrated with both presidential candidates. In an effort to please voters, they promise to implement programs and policies that require more funds while simultaneously promising to lower taxes. How does that work? And they act as if government is the solution to every problem within our nation. Healthcare is too expensive so the government should foot the bill? Despite the 10.3 trillion dollar deficit? Does that seem counterproductive to anyone else? And that's just one example of many.

So it got me thinking... What would I do if I was in charge? What would I do if I was president (and had clones of me taking up all the seats in congress and the supreme court)?

1. Proportional income tax and no other federal taxes. Simple and fair. Everyone pays the same determined percentage of their income. The argument against a flat rate tax is that the poorer pay a higher percentage of their income in consumption taxes. So do away with consumption taxes and raise the income tax. Fewer loopholes for corruption and dishonest tricks. The rich pay more because they have more assets for the government to protect. Citizens are not penalized for being successful (especially when they reach that $250,000 mark).

2. Fill Wyoming with windmills and solar panels. We ought to make the entire state (except for Yellowstone and the Grand Tetons) into one big, environmentally friendly powerplant and wire it to the rest of the nation to supplement energy needs and cut down on the use of fossil fuels. What else is that ugly state good for?

3. Use a donation based fund for welfare instead of taxes. Those unable to take care of themselves and their families would be more grateful and feel less entitled to the aid they received if they knew it was given freely. And more successful citizens would be less resentful toward the beneficiaries of welfare if they were able to give their hard-earned wages away freely instead of having them taken away.

4. Use welfare funds to pay for food, clothing, and shelter. I believe that as human beings it is our duty to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, and provide shelter for the homeless. It is NOT our duty to provide cable TV, beer, cigarettes, rims, and other luxuries on which a welfare check is often spent. Under my plan, people wouldn't have to qualify for welfare. They would simply go live in the shelter, eat the cheap (but healthy) food, and wear the second-hand clothing.

5. Divert funds from obscure government programs to education and research. There are too many government programs that benefit only a small minority. Have you seen the infomercial with the guy in the dollar suit running around talking about how to get money out of the government? The solution, once again, is to simplify. Let's scrap any program that only benefits a small minority. Instead, use that money to fund research. For example, the price of medication is so high because drug companies have to put so much into developing a drug that when they finally develop one that can be marketed they have to charge outrageous prices in order to turn a profit. If the government were to do the research, the drug companies would simply manufacture the drug instead of owning the patent. Drugs would be cheaper and healthcare costs would go down for everyone. Government employees would be doing research instead of acting as beaurocrats. With all of the assistance programs the government has to pay for medications (medicare, medicaid, etc), they might as well be developing the drugs on their own. That's just one example.

6. Build interstate high-speed trains. Let's stop using federal funds to maintain roads. Instead, we'll connect major cities with a bullet-train transit system. We'll build two routes--one for passengers and one for commercial transportation. It would decrease the demand for fossil fuels, decrease the number of deaths on highways, decrease the number of used cars in junkyards, and decrease the amount of time and money spent getting from Pocatello, Idaho to Marshall, Missouri. States and communities could then decide whether to build their own railroad systems or keep maintaining old-fashioned asphalt.

7. Build the fence already. I don't see a need for taking a punitive approach to illegal immigration. I do, however, see a need to maintain the sovereignty of our nation and the rule of law. There is a need to control our borders and place limits on the number of immigrants. And so there must be a law. And what good is a law if it is not enforced? So build the fence already! With barbed wire, a moat, mean dogs, and lookouts armed with tasers!

8. Require health insurance companies to offer a standard package. The problem with health insurance is that you never know what you're going to get. The basic, standard package would provide coverage for things like emergency surgeries, diabetes medication, and preventive care. This would not eliminate competition between companies who would have a great deal of freedom in offering different prices, packages, and upgrades.

9. Stop associating with corrupt regimes and keep our noses out of other nations' business. The United States has taken advantage of shady relationships in the middle-East. Now we're paying the price. And there's no winning when it comes to foreign policy. If we don't intervene, the international community accuses us of not caring about humanity. If we do intervene they call us imperialists and accuse us of trying to play "the world's police." "Why can't you cooperate with the U.N.?" they wonder. Has the U.N. ever accomplished anything? Well, I think it's time to say, "Have it your way," and let the rest of the world struggle. If the U.N. wants to go in to Darfur or something, we'll send our share of troops, but no more than the next country. And if they pussy foot around like they always do and start getting our boys killed, then we're out of there.

10. I have more ideas, but only four or five people will read this and I've spent enough time on it already.

Ode to the Uber Nerd

2008-10-15T15:31:00.005-06:00

Now, I love video games, but this is ridiculous. The uber lord of dweebs, also known by his moniker, Prepared, owns 36 World of Warcraft accounts, which he plays simultaneously on 11 computers. With his personal army he is able to single-handedly carry out raids that would normally require the cooperation of several lesser nerds. The subscription alone costs over $5000 a year. A loser in some circles, a legend in others, this man deserves an ode. And so I give you:

Ode to the Uber Nerd

Famed was this Prepared.

Far flew the boast of him.

Many a treasure fetched from far was freighted with him.

No room have I known so nobly dight,

With computers of war and monitors of battle.

With keyboards and mouses.

On his bosom lay a heaped horde of potato chips and twinkies,

His sustenance aptly to supply.
Since erst he lay friendless, a foundling,

Fate repaid him.

For he waxed under welkin,

His pimples glistening 'neath the screen's glow,

'Til his paladins, warriors, and hunters,

He did lead to might victory.

Spruce Grouse

2008-10-12T15:13:00.003-06:00

I was watching Wild America (remember Marty Stouffer?) and learned about the mating ritual of the spruce grouse. The male spruce grouse has to work ridiculously hard for a little ornithological lovin'.

First, he has to show off his fluttering skills. He flies up into a tree (not an easy task for those fat birds) and then beats his wings noisily and flutters to the ground. He does this over and over again for several days, despite the danger of attracting the attention of predators. The female just sits there judging. Hmm... Which male is the sexiest flutterer?

Finally, she scorns the less desirable flutterers and joins her champion on the forest floor. But he's not done yet. No siree. He's been working his tail feathers off for several days flying up and down from that tree and he's exhausted. But now it's time to dance. So the female sits there eating popcorn while the male dances for her for two or three days! After this week long ritual (and after he's probably too tired to enjoy it) she finally accepts him and they mate.

I was horrified. The injustice! What does she have to make him work so hard for? What if human women were like that? Then it hit me. Some of them are.

First you have to impress them with good looks, personality, brains, and (most importantly) lucrative employment. Then you have to buy them jewelry, give them flowers, make excessive and exaggerated complements, and give in to all their demands. Well, to all you human spruce grouses out there, the moral of the story came at the end of the show.

When it's all over, the male spruce grouse chases the female out of his territory and won't have anything to do with her.

Wearing Your IQ

2008-10-11T13:11:00.013-06:00

People say that wearing glasses makes you look smart. I think wearing glasses makes you look like you don't know about contact lenses. Here are some other things you can wear, and the effect they have on your apparent IQ when I look at you.

- 50 IQ points

More if it has a BBQ stain.

+ 20 IQ points

Unless you're saying, "This way to your seat, sir."

Or, "Can I help you find something in particular?"

+ 40 IQ points

I know I look smarter with mine on...until you see the "STUDENT" name tag.

- 30 IQ points

But who cares?

(Just kidding.)

- 45 IQ points

Who thought this would be a good idea?

And who saw this being done and thought, "Hey! That's a good idea!"

Maybe we shouldn't open this can of worms.

- 30 IQ points

If you're still wearing a moustache, your brain isn't trying anymore.

- 20 IQ points

Sorry, but I've met a lot of stupid cowboys.

Too many years in Kansas.

+10 IQ points if you're saying something like:
"My mistake. Four coffins." or
"Are you gonna pull those pistols or whistle dixie?"

Social Studies

2008-10-01T21:10:00.004-06:00

If anyone ever asks you, "Why do we have to take social studies (or geography) in school?" you can show them this:

Of course, if they are asking that question you might have to explain the relevance of this screen shot to them in very simple terms.

Gamers More Fit

2008-09-30T21:37:00.006-06:00

This is an excerpt from an article published by MSNBC.

"Still, [video game] players scored well on physical health compared to the rest of the nation. They reported exercising vigorously once or twice a week, as opposed to 62 percent of American adults who don't exercise for more than 10 minutes at any time.
"Players were also 10 percent leaner than the average American, according to their height and weight reports. Williams and his colleagues used the same self-report questions used in common national health surveys. "

"Video gamers are suprisingly fit, says study"

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26947992/wid/11915829?GT1=40006

I have a few hypotheses that I believe collectively explain the results of the study.

1. Video gamers are doers rather than watchers. So this is a big in your face to all you people that sit around watching TV and movies and then criticize video games for turning America's youth into couch potatoes.

2. Video gamers are mostly young males who make up the most physically fit demographic in America anyway.

3. The gamers that responded to the survey lied. They were all Everquest players who live in a fantasy world for 1/7 of their lives. So they obviously like being someone who they're not.

Expand Your Mind, Man!

2008-09-28T08:50:00.003-06:00

Anyone in our society who actually believes in something and has principles is accused of not being "open-minded." If you disagree with any behavior, and especially if you call it immoral, you are labeled "closed-minded." You're against homosexuality? Closed-minded. Legalizing marijuana? Closed-minded. So-called "open marriage"? Closed-minded. They mistake confusion for "open-mindedness."

If an individual truly has an open mind, then that person will be open to the idea that there might really be right and wrong--moral and immoral. And rather than running around like an animal, engaging in whatever behavior appeals to his carnal desires, he seeks out truth. That person understands that it is important to find out what kind of a life will really bring about real happiness. And an open-minded individual will accept at least the possibility that some people have found God through religion. It is those who never question the things they have been taught--who never make their own effort to discover truth for themselves and think things through--that are closed-minded.

LSD is a great example of confusion being mistaken for open-mindedness. While taking the drug, people think that their minds are expanded and they are receiving new insights. But we have yet to hear a logical insight that was inspired by LSD. Another example is "artsy" movies. Weird movies. Movies that look at the world in a new way by forsaking things that we already know to be true. Art is supposed to inspire, not confuse.

A person who is truly open-minded and has integrity will not forsake things that he already knows to be true. And a person who accepts any and all behavior for the sake of being "open-minded" is confused. In essence, that person is claiming that he has no clue what is right and what is wrong. What does such a person have to contribute? Confusion.

Universal Healthcare

2008-09-13T08:47:00.004-06:00

Liberals have successfully coined another term to make their stance sound more righteous than it really is: universal healthcare. Just as they substituted the term "pro-choice" for the true nature of their stance--"pro-fetus-killing"--they have used the term "universal healthcare" instead of "government-funded healthcare." It's a not-so-subtle suggestion that opponents of government-funded healthcare don't want the "less fortunate" (another euphemism for "poor") to receive healthcare. I am not a proponent of government-funded healthcare, but I do believe in universal healthcare in that I believe everyone ought to have access to good healthcare.

There is a difference!

So why am I opposed to government-funded healthcare? Most people would say taxes. And yes, they're probably right. There is no way to fund something as expensive as healthcare without raising taxes. Obama says he's going to do it by cutting outdated programs and eliminating pork-barrel spending. Shouldn't that be done anyway? And even if he were to accomplish such a thing, isn't our nation 9.7 trillion dollars in debt? There's no budget for such a thing as "universal healthcare"!

As much as I would hate to pay higher taxes, it's not my top reason for opposing government-funded healthcare. Have you seen what happens to things that the government meddles in? Government involvement means beaurocracy. Ever been to the DMV? Have you seen what's happened to public schools? Social security? Medicare/Medicaid? Everything becomes ridiculously inefficient. In a vain effort to raise the standing of the "less fortunate," services provided to the "middle-class" suffer while the economic "elite" simply pay more for the best service--despite government involvement!

Government-funded healthcare would not mean unlimited laboratory tests, imaging, and procedures. No matter how much funding is thrown at healthcare, there will always be limits on resources. And so there will always be gate-keepers. The difference is that the gate-keepers will be beaurocrats.

Proponents of government-funded healthcare paint themselves as humanitarians, suggesting that those who don't believe in government-funded healthcare don't care about the "less fortunate" that don't seem able to afford it. They would force middle and upper class Americans to share with the lower class. "I will be my brother's keeper," they say. But when they force Americans to feed the hungry and clothe the naked they eliminate the spirit of charity and gratitude. They create an entitled, ungrateful lower class and a resentful middle class. By giving a man a fish instead of teaching him to fish they only succeed in widening the gap between socio-economic classes.

Government-funded healthcare only shifts the responsibility of fixing problems in healthcare from the people, where it belongs, to a government notorious for blindly throwing money at problems that require insight and careful planning.

Here are some problems and solutions:

Problem: We have forgotten what insurance is for.
Solution: Remember! People have come to expect insurance companies to pay for routine visits--check-ups, sniffles, ear infections, acne, contraception, med refills, etc. Does car insurance pay for oil changes or the gas to drive your car? No! Insurance is "just in case." Insurance ought to pay for emergencies! Broken bones, appendectomies, cancer... And it ought to pay for all emergencies--not just the ones that happened to be covered by the plan that we happened to buy even though we didn't really know the difference between that one and the other 1,000 plans because we didn't have several days to read all the fine print. When we use insurance to pay for routine stuff, insurance companies are providing more services. Which means they are making more money. Which means we are paying them more money. In the long run it's cheaper to pay for our own routine care.

Problem: Surprise! You're not covered for that.
Solution: If politicians are so eager to get their hands on the healthcare system, here's their chance. Pass legislation that requires insurance companies to provide a standard package. Coverage for things like surgery to replace severed limbs and ambulance rides for heart attack victims would not require pre-approval or be mysteriously missing from our plans. And things like heart transplants could not be denied simply because the limit was reached.

Problem: Americans have to have the best of the best.
Solution: Do we really need to pay 300% more money for an MRI machine that provides images that are 3% better? Why do we demand the most expensive care instead of the best care? Do we really need to pay for the new, expensive selective seratonin re-uptake inhibitor when we haven't even tried the old SSRI available at Wal-mart for $4/month? Do we really need to pay hundreds of dollars every month for a pill that combines a cholesterol medication with a blood pressure medication when you can buy them seperately at Wal-mart for $8/month? Is it that difficult to take an extra pill?

Problem: We don't know when to let go.
Solution: Let go. There is no reason to keep grandma on a ventilator until she's 115. We all have to go some time. And how do you think her quality of life is on that ventilator--eeking out the last years of her life in a hospital bed. What do we pay for that? Tens of thousands of dollars. And has anyone else realized that some of the most expensive medications are also some of the most worthless? Alzheimer's medications for instance. They're incredibly expensive and have only been shown to delay the effects of the disease for a few months at best.

Problem: So many Americans refuse to take responsibility for their own health.
Solution: Hold them accountable! If you don't care enough about yourself to take your insulin every day, then why should I have to pay for your kidney transplant, eye surgery, heart surgery, toe amputation, etc? If you don't care enough about yourself to stop smoking, why should I have to pay for your oxygen tanks, steroids, ipratropium, etc. If you don't care enough about yourself to lose a few pounds, why should I have to pay for your [insert innumerable interventions for complications of obesity here]? If you get a kick out of repeatedly attacking the prison guards (one of my patients yesterday), why should I pay for your MRIs, neuralgia meds, muscle relaxers, etc?

Problem: Excessive treatment.
Solution: Stop demanding that your doctor treat your child's ear infection with antibiotics. Antibiotics have not been demonstrated to make a difference in the outcome of acute otitis media and their excessive use is leading to microbe resistance. Don't demand Valtrex for your shingles when you didn't come in for treatment until 2 weeks after the onset of your outbreak. Stop demanding excessive treatment for self-resolving issues.

Problem: Mixed-up priorities.
Solution: Live within your means. Many uninsured people can afford health insurance. But it isn't a priority. They buy that new HDTV instead. And then, when they find out they have diabetes, they rant and rave about how unfair it is that they don't have insurance. Well, why do you think the rest of us spent money on health insurance instead of more luxuries, dummy?

The government has little power to intervene in the real problems within healthcare. Rather than focusing on who should have to pay for healthcare, we should be focusing on how to make healthcare and health insurance more affordable and cost-effective. This is something that CANNOT be accomplished by government and MUST be accomplished within the private sector.

Blog Tag

2008-09-06T09:01:00.003-06:00

At the risk of compromising the integrity of my blog I am going to follow the rules of blog tag.

7 Strange Things About Me
1. As a kid I used to pour powdered parmesan cheese into my hand and eat it plain.
2. In 1st and 2nd grade if I had to go to the bathroom I would hold it all day because the 3rd and 4th graders were always in the bathroom and they would peak over my stall.
3. At my first church dance I hid in the bathroom and read the scriptures because there was nothing else to do in the bathroom.
4. I get much more excited about watching college sports than professional sports.
5. I once bought a Primus tape.
6. When I was 10 I tried to organize my brothers and sisters into a detective agency called The Phantoms. But we didn't have anything to investigate.
7. I once put about 15 hours of work into designing a board game. It took about 5 minutes of play to realize it was not any fun.

6 Random Things About Me
1. I won the soccer league MVP in 5th and 6th grade and never played competitive soccer again.
2. I am one of the few people that realize that the plot of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon is more intelligent and sophisticated than that of Grey's Anatomy.
3. I won the book mark design contest in 3rd grade.
4. My blood pressure goes up about 30 mm Hg every time I see someone on a bullet bike because of raging jealousy.
5. I have a 1.5 kill to death ratio on Call of Duty 4.
6. I invented a game called Scripture Balderdash that I think is really fun and no one else will play with me.

I guess I'll tag the only person who reads my blog that hasn't been tagged yet--Rebekah.
http://rebekahromney.blogspot.com

Outlandish!

2008-08-31T14:28:00.005-06:00

My intelligence has been insulted by many movies, but last night we went to see the new Indiana Jones movie and I realized that Hollywood has reached another level of outlandishness. The gundpowder flying down aisles in the warehouse seeking out the magnet, the sword fight while standing on two jeeps driving through the jungle, surviving an atomic blast in a lead-lined refridgerator, an aging professor throwing Russian soldiers around like rag dolls, Indiana and Marion calling each other "dear" and "honey" despite her having been married and not seeing each other for so many years, falling hundreds of feet in waterfall after waterfall...I could go on and on. Granted, it was not supposed to be a serious, scientifically sound movie. But it got to the point where they could have dropped an anvil on Indiana Jones, flattened him like a pancake, and had him stand up and walk away like an accordian and it wouldn't have taken away from the movie.

So I got to reflecting on other ridiculous movies.

King Kong (2005) -- Peter Jackson was trying to out do himself. And he was trying too hard. The giant gorilla is swinging around on vines with like twelve tyrannosaurus rexes trying to eat the girl (apparently they were more concerned with a snack than they were with falling to their deaths) while she repeatedly fell thirty or forty feet without any harm.

Die Another Day (2002) -- James Bond goes off a collapsing glacier cliff and uses the wreckage of his vehicle to windsurf to safety. Yes, windsurf.

Superman (1978) -- Lois dies so Superman turns back time by...making the world spin backwards? That makes no sense at all!

Any Movie Starring Vin Diesel (1999 to present) -- I hope no one who reads this blog has actually gone to see The Fast and the Furious, XXX, Chronicles of Riddick, or anything else that guy has starred in, thinking, "Ooh, that looks good."

24 season 6 (2007) -- The plot was simple: terrorists are trying to set off a nuclear bomb in the United States and only Jack Bauer can save us. The problem is that every season you have to add to the plot. "Now let's have TWO nuclear bombs! Now let's have THREE nuclear bombs! Now let's..." We get it.

Hopefully that's enough to get you started. I didn't even touch romance movies.

Greatest Olympian?

2008-08-23T13:05:00.005-06:00

My hat is off to Michael Phelps and all he has accomplished. Eight gold medals! Pretty impressive. But I can't help but wonder...greatest Olympian ever? Didn't he just do the same thing over and over to win all of them? Yes, he's a good swimmer. I got that. But do we really need to give out a new gold medal for each different method he uses to get from one end of the pool to the other?

"Now you have to swim like a frog."

"Now you have to swim on your back."

"Now you have to swim with both arms going forward at once."

"Now you have to alternate arms."

"Now you're going to swim like a frog and the guy after you will swim on his back and the guy after him will swim with both arms going forward at once and the guy after him will alternate arms."

Why don't we give soccer players and basketball players a chance to win multiple gold medals?

"Okay, now you have to play with one hand behind your back."

"Now you'll play with only three players on each team."

"Now you're going to play on a field with camouflaged trap doors and a moat around the goal."

Then maybe Ronaldinho or Lebron James would get a chance to be the greatest Olympian ever.

Yeah, I know that's ridiculous, but I also think it's ridiculous to give one guy eight medals for doing one sport and another guy one medal for doing ten sports. The "greatest Olympian" title ought to be given to the winner of the decathlon. And the "greatest Olympian of all time" title ought to be given to the best decathlete of all time.

Congratulations Bryan Clay, gold medal winner in the decathlon! Maybe they should give you ten gold medals. Or at least one great big one.

(And no, I obviously don't have Photoshop.)

Police Sketches and Witness Descriptions

2008-08-19T20:33:00.005-06:00

I don't know how police sketches ever help. I would never be able to identify someone from one of those sketches. (Unless the rapist is the news anchor and it pops up right next to him.) And I don't know how witness descriptions ever help. I always hear something on the news like, "Police are looking for a white man in his twenties, between 5'6" and 6' tall, wearing a white T-shirt." Are you serious? That could be me! I guess if it happened in Pocatello and they were looking for a black man it might me helpful. Anyway...I had to find an excuse to put this photo on my blog.

2008 Olympics

2008-08-19T17:10:00.004-06:00

I know that the Olympics is about building international relations and the spirit of friendship, solidarity, mutual understanding, and all that jazz. But it's also about squashing the competition! It's about hearing the "Star Spangled Banner" after as many events as possible! It's about sticking it to the French, the Russians, and the...the Chinese.

Well, for the most part our athletes have done their share of squashing. But the medal count says we're not sticking it to the Chinese. The United States is currently ahead in total medals, but the Chinese have nearly twice as many gold medals. That really erked me at first. But then I looked into what events the Chinese were winning.

The Chinese have almost all their medals in:

Badminton--Oh no, how could our mighty badminton players have been beaten?!

Gymnastics--Cheaters! And somebody got to the judges.

Weightlifting--What good does that do if you can't run?

Shooting--Okay, this one scares me a little.

The United States, on the other hand, is tearing it up in the respectable events:

Swimming

Track and field

Basketball

Volleyball

Gymnastics--without cheating or coercing the judges

So China, you can have your Badminton players. We'll be welcoming home the likes of Michael Phelps, Nastia Liukin, and Lebron James.

Current River Trip

2008-08-06T08:05:00.010-06:00

I'm not a big fan of the "family blogs." You know. The ones that are named something like "Jane and John," or "the Smiths." Then they just tell you about trivial, insignificant, BORING events in their lives.

"Little Joey got his first tooth today! Yeah."

"Sam went in the big boy toilet today. We are so proud."

"I spent all day painting the guest room. It's going to be a beautiful shade of egg shell white."

"I had Cheerios for breakfast today. Jim doesn't like Cheerios very much so he had Frosted Mini Wheats. Todd must be taking after my side because he prefers Cheerios."

Who cares? Your mom and sisters? BFF? If so, you can tell them that stuff on the PHONE!

That said, I'm going to post some pictures and videos of our canoe trip. My excuse: When I tell people that I might move to Missouri they look at me with a disgusted, confused look on their face. Missouri?!? Yeah, Missouri! Check it out.

Here's a good overall view of what the river looked like. It blows my mind how green everything is in Missouri.

We explored this little cave spring.

This picture was taken from outside the water. It was so clear you could see all the way to the bottom except where it got really deep. There were fish and turtles everywhere. We saw a water snake, too.

In the morning there was a mist coming off the water. After living in Utah and Idaho for so long, it was refreshing to jump into water that was cold enough to cool you down without freezing the blood in your veins.

Occasionally, we took a break to swim, jump off a cliff, or swing on a rope swing.

Not bad for a guy who's deathly afraid of heights, eh?

Birds were everywhere. This heron flew right over the top of Rebekah and Mary.

Prom Date

2008-08-01T00:01:00.003-06:00

This is what every young man ought to be confronted with when he goes to pick up his date. I'm doing my best hillbilly... What do you think?

A Nation of Spectators

2008-07-26T08:52:00.005-06:00

We have become a nation of spectators. Rather than participating in a wide variety of activities, Americans seem to prefer to watch others participate in activities. Why is it that we pay billions of dollars every year to watch other people do things that were originally done for the enjoyment of the participants?

Sports: I am in the minority when I say that I would rather play sports than watch them. If you were to give me a choice between playing backyard football or watching the Superbowl (supposedly the most important football game of the year), I would pick backyard football every time. Why are so many people so obsessed with watching sports and so disinterested in playing them? I get invited to multiple Superbowl parties every year, but getting a few friends to go to the park and play touch football, soccer, or basketball is like pulling teeth.

Creative Arts: When Friday night rolls around and everyone is asking each other what they should do, the first suggestion is always: "We could go see a movie." Now, I love a good movie as much as the next person, but why can't we ever find something to do instead of something to watch? We enjoy stories that "professionals" tell in their movies, books, and other art, but we never tell our own stories anymore. We pay billions of dollars to see movies with famous actors (who really aren't that much better looking or more talented...they just got their big break) but we never try acting because we think we aren't good at it. We watch American Idol, Dancing With the Stars, and So You Think You Can Dance? faithfully, but we don't ever sing or dance because we think we aren't good at it. We read books until our eyesight fails us, but we never write anything because we think we aren't good at it. We flock to art museums and spend billions collecting art, but we never paint anything because we think we aren't good at it. WHO CARES IF WE AREN'T THE BEST AT IT? IT'S STILL FUN!

Relationships: This is sad. Are our own relationships so boring that we have to watch other people's relationships on TV? Why else would we be so obsessed with soap operas and ridiculous dramas like Grey's Anatomy and Gossip Girl? Why else would we watch people argue and fight and cry and (supposedly) fall in love on reality TV? Do you know why our relationships are so boring? Because all we do is sit around watching TV!

There are many more examples out there, but I think I've made my point. If we would spend more time participating and less time spectating, we would be healthier, smarter, happier, and have a lot more fun.

Raised Stakes

2008-07-15T20:09:00.002-06:00

I enjoy competition. Nearly every type of recreation with which I occupy my free time involves competition. Sometimes it's just casual competition--everyone jokes and laughs and has a good time. The birds are singing, the sun is shining, and everyone's eye is twinkling. But every once in a while, I enjoy some REAL competition. The kind of competition where everyone is out for blood. Do-or-die, balls-to-the-walls, no-holds-barred competition. The birds stop singing, the sun trembles behind the clouds, and everyone's eyes are saying, "I'm going rip your guts out." Competition like that only happens when the stakes are high--either you've got a lot to gain or you've got a lot to lose. Here are some examples of times I've experienced REAL competition.

Event: 7-on-7 portion of football practice
The cornerbacks, safeties, and linebackers wanted nothing more than to break up a pass with a crushing hit. We, the receivers, wanted nothing more that to make a catch and break loose for a big gain. The DB coach must have been on meth, because he was always going crazy. Starting positions were on the line, but it was pride that raised the stakes. And trash-talking. On offense, we didn't get to make big hits very often, but when the play called for a crack block...we made them count.

Event: Axis and Allies
When you have invested five hours per day for a week into a board game, the stakes are high. There is nothing worse than putting that much time into a game only to watch your brother march his army into your capitol. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw a game board across the room.

Event: pick-up basketball
Street basketball is territorial. When you show up at a new court you can tell who the regulars are. They have already established who the best players are and they want to beat you so bad that you'll never come back. And if you outplay the competition, well...they might not be gracious losers. So have a big friend with you.

Skill Points

2008-06-25T15:33:00.002-06:00

Sports video games often have "Create a Player" options that allow users to design a character to play with in the game. Part of creating the player is granting "skill points." Sometimes they are called something different, but the concept is the same--the more points granted to a player in a certain area, the more skilled that player is in that area. For example, if the most points possible is 100, and I give my player 100 skill points in the "Sprinting Speed" category, no one will be able to outrun my player. Some games have a cap on the number of total skill points. (If they don't, then the 5'10" white guy named Miles is always unparalleled in every category.) When there is a cap on the total amount of skill points that can be awarded to one player, it is important to distribute the points strategically between the different categories. It wouldn't do to have a striker (soccer) that is faster than anyone else but can't shoot worth beans. But it might be okay to sacrifice some points in more defensive categories to make him faster and a more accurate shooter.

I believe that we truly are granted skill points in life. There is only so much the human brain and the human body can do. While some people may have more total skill points, I think that everyone chooses, to some degree, how to distribute them. We can choose to put all our points in one category, or we can divvy them out to different categories. Those who decide to put all of their points in one category will become great at that skill, but they will be one-sided people with narrow interests. Those who decide to evenly distribute their points will be well-rounded, but they will never be the best at anything.

How we decide to allot our points is no mystery. When we dedicate time and effort to a certain skill we get better and better at that skill. We usually put time and effort into things that we enjoy or that we think are important. And so we get good at those things. Some people are just wired with more skill points in certain areas. Idiot savants are the extreme example. Their "Social Skills" bars read 0, while something else, maybe the "Math" bar, reads 100.

My personal preference is to evenly distribute my skill points among several different areas. I will never be a world-renowned surgeon, a professional athlete, or an award-winning novelist. But I might competently assist with surgeries, win rec league championships in basketball and soccer, and one day get a book published. Most people want to be the best at one thing. The minority, myself included, believe that being good at many things is more rewarding.

Here are some examples of how people have distributed their skill points. (50 points is average.)

Jessica Simpson: Music--60, Appearance--70, Intellectualism--5

Shaquille O'Neal: Athletics--80, Appearance--5, Rapping--49

Paris Hilton: Skankiness--90, Athletics--5, Intellectualism--6

Conan O'Brian: Comedy--80, Intellectualism--65, Dignity--15

Michael Jackson: Music--95, (oops, already used up all his skill points)

Maria Sharipova: Athletics--80, Appearance--80, Social Skills--30

There Can Only Be One

2008-06-18T10:45:00.003-06:00

Congratulations to the mighty Celtics.

Team chemistry, hard work, and tough defense have triumphed over...

...arrogance.

Boston 131

Los Angeles 92

Series 4-2

Band Names

2008-06-06T18:21:00.004-06:00

There are some stupid band names out there. Really stupid. Some of them are funny and some of them are just lame. Examples?

The The--supposed to be ironic and cool but lame.
Butthole Surfers--supposed to be funny but lame.
Insane Clown Posse--so ridiculous it's funny.
Barenaked Ladies--supposed to be funny but lame.
Deathcab for Cutie--supposed to be cool? Supposed to be funny? It's lame.
Nickelback--I think they're trying to be cool by not caring that their name is lame--like their music.
Goo Goo Dolls--beyond lame.
The Mr. T Experience--funny.
The Beatles--why?

So I thought I'd come up with my own ridiculous band names. If they're stupid, they can't be worse than Nickelback. If they're funny, well, I struck gold. If they're cool...they won't be cool. And, for the record, I have no aspirations of ever naming a band so feel free to take my names.

Up-Down-Left-Right-A-B-B-A-Select-Start
Last of the Oaxacans
Shakespearean Ninjas In Love
Chronic the Hemp Hog
I'm Sorry, I Don't Speak Klingon
Encephalomegaly
Five Finger Discount
Jack Bauer's Apprentice
Vitamin H

Leave your own ideas.

It's Not a Habit, It's Cool, I Feel Alive

2008-05-30T21:55:00.004-06:00

This week I got a break from school. With gas prices how they've been and a wife that still had to work, I was stuck in Pocatello. So I renewed my subscription to xbox live so I could finally enjoy the Call of Duty 4 multiplayer experience. My intentions were to get my fill of xbox so I wouldn't be tempted to waste time playing video games when school started back up. A variation of aversion therapy. If I played too much, I'd get sick of it.

Wrong.

I might as well have given a crackhead a bag of coke and said, "Here, snort this whole bag and then next week you won't want to snort crack anymore."

My neck is stiff, my left thumb has a blister, my eyes are blurry, and my head is pounding. And all I can think about is getting back online, getting out my G3 assault rifle, and capping some terrorists.

"Just a few more kills and I'll make gunnery seargent," I think. "Just a few more headshots and I'll unlock a new sight for my gun. Just a few more wins and I'll make 1st Lieutenant." It's endless.

-Sigh-

My name is Miles, and I'm addicted to video games.

Gasoline Prices: The Silver Lining

2008-05-21T09:11:00.006-06:00

With gas prices nearing $4 per gallon, Americans are beginning to panic. They work extra hours, sacrifice other luxuries, and cry out for government intervention. The most obvious solution appears to be the least acceptable--use less gas. But high gas prices may be just what the doctor ordered for our country.

Motor vehicles, as much as I hate to admit it, are a contributing factor in several of our nation's biggest problems. When people finally begin to abandon their cars, we might make some headway in resolving the following problems:

1. Pollution--we've all heard plenty about this one. Smog, global warming, junkyards full of old cars and tires, etc.

2. Obesity--maybe people will drop a few pounds when they're forced to ride bicycles to work every day. (Although we might see an epidemic of hemorrhoids.)

3. Depression--exercise is helpful in treating depression. It's also good to have a few minutes of fresh air everyday without a nagging boss or client, the radio blaring, or the TV on.

4. Motor vehicle accidents--MVAs account for more deaths every year than all natural disasters combined. I'm guessing that bicycle collisions would be less fatal. And it's probably harder to ride a bike drunk than to drive drunk.

5. Health care costs--the movie stars all want to fight for AIDS awareness, but the biggest problem in American health care is obesity--a major factor in so many chronic illnesses. Depression is another big one, and so are motor vehicle accidents. Who pays for all of this? You do--taxes and health insurance go up with health care demands.

6. Consumer debt--the average American spends thousands of dollars per year on their cars. Because they are a status symbol, many people spend much more on their cars than they can truly afford. And then they have to pay for maintenance, fuel, and insurance all year.

7. Foreign policy--I can't help but think that we, the citizens of the United States, would be looked upon in a much more favorable light by the international community if we didn't need oil. And we could finally flip the bird to those corrupt middle-eastern governments. What else could we possibly need from them? Camels? Sand?

The Club

2008-05-19T11:14:00.003-06:00

Some people think of traffic tickets as a punishment. Some co-workers introduced me to a different, more optimistic perspective. Instead of thinking of tickets as a punishment, they felt that they were simply paying their dues to be members of an elite club. This club did not have a name, but all of its members were allowed to drive as fast as they pleased.

I pointed out that, depending on how often they were pulled over, everyone's dues were different. They said that this was one of the fun rules of the club--people that were able to avoid the police would pay lower dues. It was a mix of cunning and the roll of the dice and it made the club more exciting.

I suppose I'm a junior member of the club because I always drive about 5-10 mph over the speed limit and I haven't had to pay dues for a few years.

Gender Stereotyped Toys

2008-05-18T19:00:00.005-06:00

I feel terribly sorry for any child raised by people that insist on avoiding "gender-stereotyped toys." They subscribe to the ridiculous notion that boys and girls are the same until they are taught to be different. No nature, just nurture. I think that these people have some major issues in their own lives and are making their kids suffer for it. Maybe they were the weird boys that liked to play with dolls and dress up. Maybe they are trying ever so hard to break into that intellectual, self-righteous, "open-minded" crowd. Or maybe they've been deceived by foolish, misled psychologist pushing their own untried hypotheses on childhood development. Whatever the case, their children are cheated out of the COOLEST TOYS!

Well, I'll tell you something. If my parents had tried that crap with me, it wouldn't have worked. Nope. I didn't need Mattel to manufacture guns and swords. I made my own. Anything and everything was a potential weapon--puzzle pieces, spoons, severed doll legs--anything.

Fortunately, I had normal parents that let me play with normal toys. I had my weapons, my cowboy boots, and my sports equipment and I was happy.

Antisocial

2008-05-11T09:53:00.001-06:00

My fellow educated Americans, we have been oppressed long enough. It is time to take a stand. Brothers and sisters, I call on each of you to confront anyone that misuses the term "antisocial." Let them know that the term "antisocial" should not and cannot be used to refer to an individual that is shy, does not feel like going out, or is hesitant to participate in social functions. Tell them that a person must fit three or more of the following criteria in order to be designated antisocial:

1. Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest.
2. Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeatedly lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure
3. Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead
4. Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults
5. Reckless disregard for safety of self or others
6. Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations
7. Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.

Let them know that such behavior must not occur exclusively during an episode of schizophrenia or a manic episode. Inform them that they are idiots for having misused the term and that their understanding of the term could not have been more off. Finally, let them know that if they must use labels to put down their friends that don't feel like going out on a particular night, the terms "schizoid" or "social phobic" would be much more appropriate. My fellow educated Americans, onward!

Gooooooooooooooooooooooal!

2008-05-08T17:19:00.000-06:00

I would like to take a moment to express appreciation for one of my greatest sources of satisfaction.

There are few things in life that make the pleasure centers in my brain light up more than watching a soccer ball leave my foot, sail through the air, and strike the net. (I said "few things," not "no things" for those of you that are thinking certain thoughts.) I love the excitement of pulling my leg back, seeing a few square feet of open net with my peripheral vision, and knowing that in a second I will either feel exhiliration or intense frustration. But more than that, I love the satisfaction of seeing the ball rocket between defenders and past the outstretched hand of a diving keeper. I love watching the waves in the net. I love hearing my teammates cheer. I love scoring goals.

There are other athletic accomplishments that compare to the satisfaction of scoring a goal. I love sprinting away from the pass rush, seeing a receiver downfield one step ahead of his defender, judging how far my momentum will carry the ball and how far I need to lead the receiver, and slinging a spiral into his chest. I love making a quick cross-over dribble to free myself from the defender, pulling up at the top of the key, and watching the ball hit the bottom of the net. I love sprinting down the sideline, hesitating just long enough to freeze a would-be tackler, and then hitting the afterburners and watching him fall on his back. I love seeing the glimmer in an opponent's eye as he pulls up for a jumper and then swatting his shot from the air. But as enjoyable as all these moments are, scoring a goal takes the cake.

There are, unfortunately, those among us that have never experienced the moments of which I speak. They may not feel as passionately about sports as I. To them I say, "Sorry."

Stop EATING!!!

2008-04-30T15:04:00.000-06:00

Okay, here’s a blog entry that’s related to the last two I posted.

Occasionally, I enjoy eating out at a steakhouse, an all-you-can-eat buffet, or some other restaurant that serves enormous portions of extremely unhealthy food. Occasionally. And each time I do so, I stuff myself silly to guarantee that I get my money’s worth.

As I sit there gorging myself on meat, butter, Dr. Pepper, and fried whatever, I catch myself looking at other patrons and silently asking them, “Should you really be here?”

Each time that question is elicited the self-evident answer is a resounding NO!

It would be interesting to find out what the average BMI is at any given time within the walls of a Texas Roadhouse. (Or the prevalence of cardiovascular disease.)

Democracy Requires Responsibility

2008-04-30T10:40:00.000-06:00

“A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only exist until the voters discover that they can vote themselves largesse from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates promising the most benefits from the public treasury with the result that a democracy always collapses over loose fiscal policy followed by a dictatorship. The average age of the world's greatest civilizations has been 200 years.”
--Alexander Fraser Tytler

The current battle cry in American politics is “change.” Given the current state of affairs in America, I would agree that change is badly needed. The problem is that everyone demands that others change rather than accepting the fact that their own lifestyle is contributing to national problems. The battle cry ought to be “responsibility!” But apparently that’s too difficult for Americans.

I believe that most of America is found between the “selfishness” and “complacency” stages in Tytler’s cycle of civilization. Rather than voting for candidates that advocate policies taking responsibility for mistakes Americans have made, voters flock to support candidates that promise government changes that will somehow miraculously fix problems without demanding that the people take responsibility and change the lifestyles that lay at the root of the problem.

“Let government pay for my healthcare,” they say. “The mortgage companies didn’t catch me lying on my application? Well, the government better bail me out. We’re switching to digital TV? Well, the government had better buy a converter box for me. Gas prices are too high. I can’t be expected to stop driving my SUV. That would be unjust and unacceptable. So somebody needs to stop the oil companies. It’s not my child’s fault that he broke in and vandalized the school. He has conduct disorder. I don’t feel safe in America. The NSA had better change something. And they better do it without profiling, asking for more funds, slowing down the lines at the airport, or inconveniencing me in any way. It’s so unfair that I have cardiovascular disease. How can they expect me to stop eating treats? And exercise? Are you kidding me? Somebody has got to start making some food that tastes just as good and I can eat as much as I want without any health risks. And they need to stop holding back the cure for COPD and lung cancer so I can smoke my cigarettes.”

And how is the government supposed to accomplish these things?

“They need to put more money into education. They need to put more money into healthcare. They need to put more money into national defense.”

Oh, more money. So where does the government get its money? Taxes. Duh.

“Oh, no. No more taxes. I can barely support my family as it is.”

Well, America, I’m sorry. There’s no magical answer. But there is a timeless, proven one. Responsibility. Let that be the battle cry. We need to stop guzzling gas to lower the demand. We need to start taking care of ourselves to lower healthcare costs. We need to live in houses that we can afford. We need to pay for our own luxuries and learn to do without those things that we cannot afford. We need to stop getting our feelings hurt at the airport. We need to take responsibility and change our lifestyles. And we need to elect candidates that will ask that of us. If not, Tytler was right. (Our civilization isn't much older than the average 200 years.)

If You Give a Fat Kid a Cookie

2008-04-29T22:30:00.000-06:00

If you give a fat kid a cookie…
He’s going to want a tub of ice cream.
If you give him a tub of ice cream…
He’s going to want more cookies.
If you give him more cookies…
He’s going to want hot fudge, caramel, whipped cream, and another tub of ice cream.
If you give him hot fudge, caramel, whipped cream, and another tub of ice cream…
He’s going to get dyslipidemia, hyperglycemia, and insulin resistance.
If he gets dyslipidemia, hyperglycemia, and insulin resistance…
He’s going to develop atherosclerosis and type 2 diabetes.
If he develops atherosclerosis and type 2 diabetes…
He will form blood clots.
If he forms blood clots…
They will occlude coronary blood supply.
If they occlude coronary blood supply…
He will have a myocardial infarction.
If he has a myocardial infarction…
The fat kid will die…
If you give a fat kid a cookie.

The Teeter Totter Effect

2008-04-22T17:56:00.000-06:00

Why is it that societies roll from one extreme to the other? Why is it that there is such a profound difference between what is "politically correct" and what is correct? I would like to propose a theory and, with it, coin a new phrase--"the teeter totter effect."

Here are some examples of the teeter totter effect.

From

Oppressed women that don't speak unless spoken to, can't own property, and are not permitted to vote

Man-hating feminists that claim women are superior, refuse to shave their legs, and aspire to take over the world

From

Men have the right to treat animals however they want

Animals have more rights than people

From

Minorities are inferior to white people

Minorities should be given preference when competing for positions in employment or academics

Activists find something that is wrong with the world and dedicate themselves to fixing the problem. Unfortunately, many activists become so passionate about their cause that their priorities get mixed up. They push their agenda so hard that they begin to advocate the opposite extreme on the spectrum. The result is a sociopolitical movement that overshoots the correct approach to the subject. And so society teeter totters between one extreme and another.

The Big Humdrum

2008-04-20T08:35:00.000-06:00

It was agonizing to watch the whining, cheating, flopping Spurs win another play-off game, a game in which they were outplayed, in double overtime. Worst of all, Tim Duncan hit the first 3-pointer he's made all year to keep the Spurs alive. What a joke! I cannot stand Tim Duncan. Here's why:

4. He's hideous.

From his undersized noggin to his caveman brow to his goofy eyes to his gigantic, round nose to his gluteal chin, the man is not pleasant to look at. And every facial expression in his tiny repertoire only contorts that grotesque mug into something worse. No wonder he never expresses emotion unless he's whining about a good call!

3. He plays for the Spurs.

He plays for the dirtiest, whiniest, cheatingest team in the league--a team that flops their way to the top every year. I also hate the way they analyze and exploit basketball's great weakness--contact sport or no? Nobody knows. They make drawing fouls and getting away with fouls into an art form rather than playing basketball.

2. He never talks or expresses emotion except to whine to the refs.

Every play that doesn't go Timmy's way, expect a show. First, he'll open those ugly eyes so big you think they're going to pop out. Then he'll wrinkle his forehead until the skin avulses from his neck. Then he'll raise both arms in the air and twirl around and around. You've all seen it before. You know what I'm talking about. Then he'll look up at the replay and pretend that he's classy by not complaining anymore.

1. He's doing his best to ruin basketball.

Tim Duncan has one move--lower the shoulder, spin, raise those freakish arms up high, and hope the rim is forgiving. And what burns me up is that it usually is. Doink, doink, doink, swish. They call him "the Big Fundamental." Well, guess what. Those fundamentals would do him no good if his arms weren't eight feet long. There isn't a creative bone in his body. He just does the same thing over and over and no one can stop him. If this is the direction the NBA is heading, then I won't be watching much basketball in the future. Basketball is supposed to be about athleticism--not perfecting a set of 2 or 3 skills. It's not golf, for crying out loud!

Greatest Video Games of All Time

2008-04-15T21:39:00.000-06:00

At the risk of angering a lot of nerds and alienating myself from some brothers that are passionate about their games, I'm going to list my own version of the top 10 video games EVER. Most of them have sequels or are sequels, so I'm not necessarily referring to the original, but to the entire series. Now, when I say "Greatest Games of All Time" I mean the 10 games that I would still enjoy playing--not games that were the best when they came out.

10. The Legend of Zelda. This game was such a great adventure. I only like the original, though. It gets really tedious having to try to use every object on every square inch of the game in the newer ones. Why would I use a magical bean on the old tree in the graveyard? Lame.

9. X-Wing/TIE Fighter. It might have a lot to do with nostalgia, but I have very fond memories of making single-handed assaults on star destroyers and hunting down TIE interceptors on the old Lucasarts starfighter simulator.

8. Super Smash Bros. Okay, the truth is that I have not logged many hours playing this game and I am not very good. But it's got so much potential that it made my list. It allows for 4 players to duke it out in a chaotic battle. I wish I could find that game for my old N64.

7. Mortal Kombat. Street Fighter fans can kiss my butt. Mortal Kombat entered the fighting game scene and gone were the days of just pushing buttons as quickly and randomly as possible. Finally we had a game that required strategy and anticipation instead of just quick fingers.

6. Warcraft/Starcraft. I was introduced to the wonderful world of real-time games when my brother came home with the original Warcraft. I have seen more than one good student's academic career destroyed by the addictive power of Starcraft, and I have to admit that I've spent a few classes playing it, too.

5. Civilization. Greatest strategy series of all time. Never has a 1 player game kept my attention for so long. Every turn I feel that I'm on the verge of another important breakthrough on my journey to conquering the world.

4. Halo. Everyone knows all about Halo. Halo 3, the latest in the series, was not a disappointment.

3. Call of Duty. Call of Duty 4 has all but perfected the first-person shooter. Multiplayer battles take place in extremely realistic battlegrounds that allow for plenty of strategy and creativity. Like any shooter game, the controls take some getting used to, but with some coaxing and coaching my wife is getting to be quite a competitor.

2. Mariokart. I have had more fun, by far, playing Mariokart 64 than any other game. The controls are simple and still allow for a lot of freedom. Battle mode requires skill, strategy, creativity, and concentration. There's just enough luck involved so that people don't take it too seriously and get mad when they lose. Best of all, it is the gateway game to get girls to play video games.

1. Snow Football. Okay, this game hasn't been invented yet, but it's in my head. I played it in a dream once and it was AWESOME!

You will probably notice that certain popular games are missing from my list. Here are some game genres that I refuse to put in the top 10 games.

Any game that requires tons of concentration but no thinking (Tetris, Dr. Mario, Guitar Hero, pretty much any arcade game from the 80s). Mind numbing.

RPGs. I HATE RPGs because they are STUPID! "I'm gonna use my potion on this creature and take away 5 life points." Give me a break. I haven't tried the MMORPGs like WOW, so I don't know what I think of those.

Platform games. So you saved another princess. So what? Now you'll never enjoy playing that game again. But some platform games deserve an honorable mention because they were fun for a while. (Mario Bros, Sonic the Hedgehog, Double Dragon III, Super Contra)

Sports games. I like the sports games a lot, but most of them only allow 2 players and there is too much luck involved. For example, either the receiver catches the ball or he doesn't. Either Bo Jackson is on your team or he isn't. But a few games deserve an honorable mention. (Dodgeball, World Cup, Fifa Soccer, NCAA Football, NBA Jam, NFL Blitz) Snow Football does not share any problems that older football games have.

Any game that a 10-year old girl can beat me at. (Wii sports)

Substitute Words

2008-04-10T12:29:00.000-06:00

If "profanity is the attempt of a lazy and feeble mind to express itself forcefully," then substitute words are even more feeble. How many ways are there to say the "f-word" in the Utah/southern Idaho vernacular? Freak, frick, frack, frig, fudge, eff... How about the "s-word"? Shoot, shniky, shiz, shiznit, scheisa (which a lot of people don't realize is still profanity)... If we can't use the real thing, can't we get a little more creative than that?

I propose that we use real words rather than imaginary words as a substitute for profane words. For example, rather than sh*t we can say "stool" or "feces."

"I feel like stool today."
"He got the feces beat out of him."

Rather than f*ck, we can say "copulate" or "intercourse."

"Copulate you, mother copulator!"
"What the intercourse?"

Such words can even be combined to completely and successfully replace swear words.

"That's copulating bull stool!"
"That copulator is a bad-bottom."

(My point is that the use of profanity or substitute words makes no sense.)

Poll Results

2008-04-10T12:02:00.000-06:00

Congratulations to Rebekah, winner of the Coolest Romney Sibling poll. While the validity of the methods used in the survey can be debated, I concede the vote. Apparently, she is 10% cooler than me despite a mass email soliciting votes from the 49 other students in the PA program.

Rebekah did not approve of the first photos I posted of her:

Idaho Drivers Suck

2008-04-08T20:38:00.001-06:00

Idaho drivers suck. That is all.

Parking Lot Race

2008-04-06T08:21:00.000-06:00

A 30 second delay in reaching the parking lot after a public event is equal to approximately 10 minutes more time spent trying to leave the parking lot. This is a principle near and dear to the hearts of most men, but the majority of women seem to be totally oblivious. (I said majority, so lay off!) This is most clearly demonstrated by contrasting the behavior of the crowd after a general session of general conference to the behavior of the crowd after a priesthood session.

After a general session, the picture is one of hundreds of women chatting away with their husbands and sons standing nearby, keys in hand, nervously shooting glances at the exit. Their mouths are going a mile-a-minute, but their legs aren't moving.

"Just let me say hi to Sister So-and-So," they say. But the men aren't fooled. Say hi? When has she ever just said hi? It will turn into, at the least, a minute long gab fest which equates to about 20 extra minutes of battling it out in the parking lot.

The post-priesthood session crowd is completely different (with the exception of a few lingering socialites that in some ways resemble women.) The rush to the parking lot begins before the session even starts. Cars are backed into the stall so there is no need for backing up when it is time to leave. Seats closest to the exit are filled first, and everyone strategically jockeys for a position near the isle so they can leave quickly.

During the closing prayer a low rustling noise can be heard as the men shift their knees toward the doorway and test their footing on the carpet below them. The suspense builds as the benediction grows longer and longer and the brother offering the prayer speaks more and more slowly.

Like a starter pistol, the final "amen" sounds and the brethren jolt for the exits. (Some of them--the cheaters--left before the prayer. The rest of us know better.) We walk as quickly and dignified as we can, but some can't stand it and break into a trot. It takes great discipline not to jog, push, or trample geriatric high priests that get in the way. They hobble slowly down the middle of the hallway until they here a loud rumble behind them. Turning just in time to see the flow of white shirts and ties, their eyes grow wide and a shriek rises in their throats. But we nimbly dance around them, like white-water rapids around a boulder, and continue our flight to the parking lot.

Upon reaching the parking lot, we have some idea of how well we are doing. If the first engines are starting and only a trickle of men and boys are spilling out into the lot, then we know the parking lot experience won't be that bad. But horrified is the man that charges out the doors only to see a parking lot filled with white shirts and dark suit coats, lanes saturated with pedestrians and honking cars, and brake lights all the way to the exit.

Excessive Use of the Word "Racist"

2008-04-02T17:51:00.000-06:00

There are few words in the English language more commonly misused than "racism" and its derivatives. While working at a residential treatment center for "at-risk" youth (quite the euphemism), I was often accused of being a racist when I had to discipline the patients. My actions had nothing to do with their race and everything to do with their breaking of the rules. I found it particularly amusing when I was accused of being "racist" by members of my own race when they received infractions for breaking rules. "Racism" has become a buzzword and is currently used (usually abused) to evoke powerful emotions. It amazes me that people so often forget the most important part of the word--RACE! Racism is prejudice or discrimination BASED ON RACE! One cannot be racist against the mentally handicapped, women, Muslims, Catholics, the poor, fat people, stupid people, goths, jocks, nerds, etc, because those are not races. If you want to say that an individual is PREJUDICED against the poor or Muslims or whatever (and you're sure you want to make that accusation) then go right ahead. But please, America, let's stop using the word "racist" to describe prejudice against groups other than races. If you really hate the word "prejudice" so badly, then attach your beloved "-ist" to the correct root word. If they think men are better than women, they're sexist. If they think tennis players are better than hockey players, call them "sportist." (You won't sound any less intelligent than you will if you call them racist.) If they think that people who use the term "racist" appropriately are better than those who don't, call them "correct."
I would also like to address the concept of "reverse racism." Whoever coined that term was a fool and so is anyone that continues to employ it. Members of minority races can be racists just as easily as members of the majority race. They are prejudiced against someone based on their race. It is not reverse racism, it is simply racism. Literally, reverse racism ought to refer to someone thinking that the race in question is superior to their own. Think about it. Racism in reverse.
Finally, if you are receiving an infraction because you didn't make your bed, or if you are getting arrested because you were selling crack, or if you didn't get hired because you are not qualified for the job, stop blaming it on racism and call it what it is--fair.
Disclaimer: This is not to say that racism is never a factor in arrests, hiring, or infractions. I'm only saying that people should stop jumping to conclusions so quickly in order to avoid responsibility for poor decisions.

Survey Info

2008-03-31T09:01:00.000-06:00

Here's some information regarding the Romney Sibling Cool Points in addition to that posted by Rebekah in her blog, Monkey City (see the link under "Related Blogs"). This ought to help in making a more well-informed decision.

Miles: Author of this blog, really, really, really, ridiculously good-looking, member of the ISU intramural B league basketball championship team, Sunbeams teacher.

Celeste: The essence of sweetness, she oozes righteousness, eats charitable service and craps kindness. Recently led the NCAA bracket challenge.

Rebekah: Oppressed law student with little tolerance for incompetence and losing. Despite a broken throwing hand, she quarterbacked her football team to victory after victory.

Jared: New father, dedicated Biology student, disciplines the mentally handicapped, once ate poop from the tires of a three-wheeler because he thought it was chocolate.

Jen: When not cutting hair and nursing the baby, she leads her warrior into battle against the WofW horde.

Jacob: Source of drama--makes out with girls while he has mono, steals ice cream sandwiches from the freezer at work, only calls people when he needs favors.

Benjamin: Screams "Hallelujah!" from the shower, has to "reject" women that don't meet his standards, writes books that begin with "I Benjamin, having been born of goodly parents..."

Sarah: Social butterfly and Celeste's only rival in the "sweetness" category.

Rachel: Dance, dance revolutionary and new geology enthusiast.

Mary: Boys, boys, boys...

James: His email address is DragonWolfFalcon...do you really need anymore information?

The Impossible Argument

2008-03-26T10:56:00.001-06:00

Many online news articles provide an option underneath the body of the article where users can make comments. I know I shouldn't read them because they are never enlightening, but I do. I suppose it's that "watching a train wreck" mentality.

Recently, after reading part of an article on the evolution of mankind, I yielded to the temptation to read the comments. If a user decides to comment, it's usually because he or she feels very strongly about the subject. And so passionate, biased comments were made on both sides. I was extremely frustrated by a comment made by an advocate for creationism. Her "proof" against evolution (and her tone implied that she believed she had discovered indisputable evidence that would forever define the argument) was "then how come people aren't evolving into other animals and how come more animals aren't turning into people?"

My hand reflexively shot up to strike my forehead. Why does this lady have to be on my team? You cannot contribute to a discussion if you don't have some understanding of both sides of the argument! Fortunately, there are plenty of idiots playing for the evolutionists, too.

But is this really a question that can be answered intellectually? There are brilliant people on both sides of the argument and there are ignoramouses on both sides of the argument.

This is how I see it. God created all of us and God loves all of us. He loves the smart ones and He loves the not-so-smart ones. He did not set life up to be a puzzle--as if everyone who is smart enough will figure out that God lives, and everyone too stupid to figure that out will burn in Hell. What a ridiculous concept! No, it's a matter of faith. If we are willing to listen to the Spirit, we will receive a testimony of Christ--whether we are smart or not. And because it is so important to our spiritual progression that we learn to listen to the Spirit, God set things up so that religion cannot be proven intellectually. If you don't believe me, read the Bible. Paul teaches that we must learn spiritual things spiritually and not by the wisdom of man. Does this mean that we should spurn science? Absolutely not. It just means that the existence of God will not be proven scientifically until God decides it is time. If science and religion do not seem to mesh, then either the scientists got it wrong (which the scientists themselves will tell you happens all the time) or we didn't understand revealed truth. A belief in God does not disprove evolution and belief in evolution does not disprove the existence of God. Learn what you can about both.

As for those of you that still insist on arguing, here's my advice: If you failed remedial 8th grade science, pipe down and let the smart ones handle it.

Moses, Strike a Pose!

2008-03-23T14:27:00.000-06:00

I had a chance to sit down and watch the second half of "The Ten Commandments" yesterday. I hadn't seen the movie for some time, and it's funny how your perspective can change in just a few years. It has always been one of my favorites and I still enjoyed it, but some of its flaws (or charms?) where much more apparent. For example, Moses' beard at the very end of the movie looks like the cotton ball Santa Claus beards that we made in first grade. And I couldn't help but notice all the dramatic poses. It would have been hilarious to see Cecil B. Demille directing the actors to stand in awkward, dramatic poses straight from a Michaelangelo painting. The best example is when the Red Sea is coming down on Pharaoh's soldiers. There's a great shot of three Israelite women with their hair blowing in the wind and their arms held up very femininely for no reason. The negative space is filled perfectly, with the middle woman higher and the other two staggered one higher than the other in a medal podium arrangement. I couldn't help but laugh. And everyone speaks as if they're in an unrevised poem. "Can a man choose from the stars in the heavens?" "All of your gold cannot wipe that mark from your door, Dathan. Or from my heart." But the thing that stood out the most was the way Moses kept rubbing everything in Pharoah's face. When Pharaoh finally lets the Hebrews go and sits sullenly mourning his son, Moses decides that this is the appropriate time to give a poetic speech. I wonder if a lot of the stereotypes that go along with being a prophet come from that movie.

March MADness

2008-03-21T16:59:00.000-06:00

Every year is the same. I get excited for the NCAA tournament and spend a couple of hours researching the teams, reading what the experts are predicting, and carefully making picks only to watch my bracket go down in flames and some girl that doesn't know the "board" from the "paint" take first place. In speaking with other college basketball fans, I've realized that this is a common-place occurence. The less one knows about basketball, the greater chance he or she (probably she) has of winning the pool. While I don't know that I'll ever fully understand why, I've come up with some theories.

1. Team Loyalty

No matter how well I know that BYU is going to lose in the first round like they do every year, I cannot bring myself to make that prediction. In fact, I have a difficult time predicting a BYU loss in the final four! Could it be that others suffer from the same problem? Loyalty to their team drives them to make picks that they otherwise would not have made? And this doesn't just affect the games that BYU plays in or would have played in. I'm also picking the teams that BYU played during the season to win their games. Meanwhile, Ms. Ooh-Look-at-Me-I'm-in-First-Place doesn't care who wins and is not plagued by that handicap.

2. Top Seed Pickers

If you have never seen either team play, what's the only clue that you have as to which team will win? Well, let's see. This team is ranked higher than that team, so they must be better. Unfortunatley, most of the time that's the way it turns out. The best evidence for this theory is the fact that in the final four, when the top seed-pickers have to choose between four #1 seed teams, they fall apart. They have no idea who to pick and the rest of us start to catch up.

3. Predicting the Upset

Real basketball fans (in other words, those of us that are naive enough to think we can actually predict who's going to win because we're so basketball savvy and smart) pride themselves on predicting upsets. Everyone is going to pick #4 over #13, so if I pick #13 and they win...that'll be something. It's too tempting. And we always pick the wrong #13 and they get blown out even though the experts raved about how underrated they were.

4. The Basketball Gods

Lounging in his Lay-Z-Boy in front of a giant plasma TV atop Mount Olympus is the god of basketball. He despises pathetic mortals like myself that attempt to predict NCAA tournament winners. And so he guides last-second desperation shots through the basket to send San Diego and Western Kentucky into the second round. And he wants more fans for the game of basketball, so he inspires clueless people who don't care about the game to make those picks so they get a kick out of winning and start to enjoy the game.

Russian Roulette Floozy-Style

2008-03-15T19:13:00.000-06:00

The CDC recently published a study on STDs. Apparently, 1 in 4 girls between the ages of 14 and 19 has an STD. Huh? Say that again. Yeah, that's right. 1 in 4 teenage girls has an STD! I'm talking about syphilis! HIV! Gonorrhea! Genital herpes! Genital warts! Chlamydia! Trichomoniasis! 1 in 4!

Alright, so if I'm a teenage boy with testosterone surging through my veins, drooling at every skirt that prances by (okay, not every skirt--even teenage boys have some standards), I'm taking a step back. Whoah! 1 in 4! No matter how violently my hormones are raging, I do NOT want giant lesions on my genitals. Ooh, but she looks so good. What are my chances of getting away with this?

Well, math is not my forte, but I'm pretty sure 1 in 4 means there's a 25% chance she's got an STD. If I succumb to my base urges, I've got a 75% chance of hooking up with an STD-free "woman of loose morals." When my brain is overwhelmed by my gonads that doesn't sound so bad. Well, along comes girl #2. Now I've got a 56% chance of getting away with it. Well, like we dated for like all of junior year and then she totally turned into a [expletive]. So I hooked up with girl #3. Now I've got a 42% chance of STD-free lovin'. In other words, after 3 girls there's a larger probability that I slept with a girl that has an STD than there is that I haven't. 4 girls? 31%. 5 girls? 23%.

Let's think about 1 more factor. The 1 in 4 statistic includes girls with high morals. Take them out of the equation and just leave the floozies and they've got a much higher rate of STDs. And the fact that this girl is willing to sleep with a teenage boy means her standards are preeeeetty low. That makes her a floozy and my odds just got a whole lot worse.

So if I'm a teenage boy...I'm keeping my pants on.

Sunbeam Quotes

2008-03-14T09:45:00.000-06:00

Sunbeams?!? You want me to teach the Sunbeams?!? I was less than enthusiastic about my new position as a Sunday school teacher for 3-year olds. Looking through the teacher's manual did nothing to improve my outlook. Lesson titles included "I Am Grateful for Flowers" and "I Am Grateful for Water." Singing "Hello, Hello" and "Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam" all day is not my ideal Sunday School experience. But where intellectual stimulation is absent, comedy is abundant. The Sunbeams' blatant honesty and naivete have provided some priceless laughs. Here are a few examples.

Little twirly-skirt-princess-dress-up-girly-girl Jenika approaches another Sunbeam's dad and pokes him in his pot belly.
"You're a fatty! He he he he he!"

Wyatt: Oh, no! Is this a church movie?
Celeste: Yes, we're going to learn about Heavenly Father and Jesus.
Wyatt: I hate church movies! Why can't we watch Zorro? I love Zorro way more than church.

Celeste: Wyatt, we don't throw chairs.
Wyatt: But I'm so angry!
Celeste: I know, but that doesn't make it okay to throw chairs.
Wyatt: But I'm soooooo angry!

Miles (holding up picture of Jesus): Does anyone know who this is?
Asha: Me! Me! Me!
Miles: Okay, Asha, tell everyone who this is.
Asha: [Silence.]
Miles: Do you know who this is?
Asha: [Silence.]
Miles: Do you need some help?
Asha: [Silence and blank stare.]

Miles: And then Pharoah KILLED all the babies!
Sunbeams: [Wide-eyed silence.]
Celeste: Honey...

Humor Diagnosis

2008-03-13T15:50:00.000-06:00

Diagnostic tests are evaluated using two criteria--sensitivity and specificity. Sensitivity refers to the ability of a test to find what it is looking for. Specificity is the ability of a test to distinguish what it's looking for from other findings that might give similar results. For example, a test for strep throat with a high sensitivity will almost always come back positive when strep throat is present. If it has a high specificity it will almost never come back positive when strep throat is absent. But a test with a high sensitivity and low specificity may come back positive even when the patient does not have strep throat.

It occurred to me that every time someone contemplates saying something funny, they must run their own internal diagnostic test. If they conclude that what they have to say is sufficiently funny, they will make the joke. However, the sensitivity and/or specificity of certain people's humor indicators is/are a bit low.

Case Study 1: JDR is a 24 year old male presenting with extremely high humor sensitivity and somewhat low specificity. Each time a thought strikes him as having potential humor value, the result of his internal humor indicator comes back positive. As a result, a funny thought never passes through his brain that doesn't make it to his mouth. On the other hand, too many false positives lead to an outpouring of failed jokes and minor embarrasment.

Case Study 2: JKR is a 26 year old male presenting with somewhat low humor sensitivity and normal specificity. He almost never tells an unsuccessful joke. The downside--he doesn't get as many laughs as JDR.